NINJATENDO Pt 1: How the Ninja Craze Hit the NES Era in a Big Bad Way

Television, Film, Video Games, and Music. The foundations of our media-oriented society and the building blocks of a mutual relationship that society has with its entertainment. Many can argue that trends in entertainment have a profound impact on societal trends, and others could argue the opposite. It can lead to a "chicken versus the egg" conundrum of what came first; the popularity of cheesy polyester leisure suits or the popularity of Miami Vice. All I know is that I worship at the altar of Don Johnson and don't trust anyone who doesn't.

So here I present a "chicken and the egg" question: how, why, when, where did America pick up its fascination with ninjas? Somewhere in the 1980's, films and video games were overrun with "Ninja" this or "Ninja" that. My best guess is that the success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles played a key role in everything in the late 80's to early 90's being Ninja-centric, at least over here in America. You had films like Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja Vengeance, 3 Ninjas, Surf Ninjas, American Ninja, Zombie Vs Ninja, and more. Everything was ninja, ninja, ninja.

Circa 1992, every 5th movie I watched on Showtime was like this...

So naturally, much like every cold-war era Atari or Intellivision game being named "Space" something or "Star" something, you had no less than at least 10 Nintendo games that are directly related to the dark, mysterious art of Ninjutsu. Some of the games were groundbreaking and hugely influential (the Ninja Gaiden series) and others are confoundingly confusing (The Last Ninja.) Let's dig in!

Truth in advertising! You jump through trees and everyone wants you dead!

Legend of Kage: In 1985, Taito released an arcade game that, while kind of primitive now; is a strangely addictive action platformer. You play as the ninja Kage trying to save your princess from her evil captors by running through the forest, jumping through trees with amazing, Crouching Tiger Flying Daggers-style wire-fu leaps that no mere mortal could possibly make normally without a Game Genie. You have to slash your way through a sea of faceless nemeses that all want to kill you. Occasionally they drop power ups which will help you upgrade your outfit to a different color allowing you more hit points. It's a generally common and inexpensive game so I definitely think it's necessary for your collection.

Grandma, this is sooooo NOT Ninja Gaiden!

Wrath of the Black Manta: Taito did a damn good job with striking gold on Legend of Kage. It's not in the top 10 games for the NES, but it's one of the better common titles from the 8 bit era. So you would think that in 1989 when they released Wrath of the Black Manta, that the game would rock the world. Sadly, that's not the case. Wrath of the Black Manta is a bland, by-the-books action scroller/platformer where you control a rather slow, clunky ninja through hordes of faceless enemies. It's nowhere near as lifeless as say; the Schwarzenegger games, Lethal Weapon and the like; but it's still nothing to write home about. That being said, it's a common and affordable title so one couldn't really complain about the reasonable price-point.

Do all ninjas have random thugs walking around in their dojos?

The Last Ninja: This 1990 port of the sequel to 1987's The Last Ninja for the Commodore 64 is a strange game. The game definitely shows its Commodore 64 roots in the graphics and gameplay department. It is absolutely fair to call this game "unique" because it is unlike any other NES game I have ever played. The player controls a ninja in an isometric 3d environment trying to dispatch with bad guys and solve basic puzzles to unlock doors and advance further in the game. There is a relatively open world to explore here for a Nintendo game and there is danger around every corner. The closest comparison I can make to a popular game would be the early Alone in the Dark titles. As with those games, there are problems arising from hit-detection errors and overall clunky controls. I can only imagine this game would play much smoother with a joystick (haven't tried it with the NES Advantage - perhaps you guys and gals should!) as I'm sure it would have been played on the commodore 64. This makes enemies tough to kill and puzzles difficult to solve, leading to some frustrating and confusing moments.  It's one of the more unique items on the list and should be played. I cautiously recommend it: it's often aggravating, but fun.

It's like Chubby Cherub, but fun!

Ninja Kid: Moving from a very atypical NES game to a very prototypical one, we get Tose's 1986 action-platformer, Ninja Kid. Upon first glance, our main hero looks very familiar. Could it be...? Yes, it is more or less the same sprite as the lovable ghost/cherub from Tose's Chubby Cherub! While both games came out around the same time here in the states, Chubby Cherub actually predates Ninja Kid, and boy is it obvious. That's not to say that Ninja Kid is drastically different than Chubby Cherub (both have similarly primitive graphics and similar arcade style gameplay) but the areas where Chubby Cherub fails (it is incredibly frustrating, random, and difficult) Ninja Kid succeeds. The controls are relatively tight, the platforming elements are rudimentary but serviceable for an arcade style scroller, and the enemies don't seem to block off your path and cheap shot you as much as in Chubby Cherub.

Those evil, evil dogs!

Ninja Kid does feel amazingly dated, but is a lot of fun in a similar style to the first Goemon game. Run around, jumping between platforms, shoot at enemies, wash, rinse, and repeat. There are minibosses and a map screen between levels that allows you to pick which level you want to play first. It's a lot of fun and is relatively dirt cheap compared to its uncommon sibling Chubby Cherub, so I recommend picking this one up!

New APP coming: Zen: Intergalactic Fruit Ninja!

Zen: Intergalactic Ninja: Rounding out this segment of ninja-related fare, we have Konami's 1993 action game Zen: Intergalactic Ninja. Based on a comic book that nobody I know has ever read, Zen focuses on a super-powered test-tube Ninja who is fighting the vile, despicable Lord Contaminous on his crusade to pollute the planet. Subtle job there, Message Hammer...really subtle. The action in Zen: Intergalactic Ninja is split into a couple of styles: one is reminiscent of games such as Isolated Warrior; an isometric 3d style environment where it is Zen versus robots, pitfalls, and the clock. A few stages are broken up into an action platforming game ala GI Joe, Batman, and a million others and there is also a railway car stage ala the Battletoads spaceship racer stage. The action is fluid and fast, the graphics are slightly muddy, but overall decent and the music is truly rockin'. The problem with Zen? It's a tough grind. In the isometric stage: the same problem that Isolated Warrior, Gremlins 2, and many other games with this perspective plagues Zen: a problem I like to call "the I-swear-I-made-that-jump!" issue. This particular perspective lends itself to a lot of second guessing when it comes to how close or far you are from the moving platform you're trying to land on or the bomb/laser/enemy you're trying to avoid or kill. It's not impossible, but can provide a lot of frustrating moments! The platforming stages are much more forgiving but still provide a huge challenge as everything is trying to kill you at once. Even though the difficulty level is relatively high, I recommend Zen: Intergalactic Ninja for your collection based on the variety of gameplay and originality. It is one of the more uncommon games on the list and is priced accordingly, but if you like a challenge and a bit of variety in your games, you can't go wrong here.

That's just round one of this two part series on Ninja games for the NES. Stay tuned as we recap some of the heaviest of heavy hitters and a few more hidden gems. You won't want to miss it!

Special thanks to my buddy James for the idea!

NES essentials 12 Games everyone should have in their collections

So you are considering purchasing a Nintendo Entertainment System, well congrats on getting the console that highlighted the best the post-video game crash era had to offer. The Nintendo is definitely a fine choice for a gaming machine due to its long shelf life relative ease of maintenance and the large community of homebrewers who still make and release new games for the platform. With your purchase I am sure you are wondering what games are worth both my time and money as a consumer and have the highest chance of getting the most possible enjoyment out of your brand new console. Presuming that you are a new purchaser and not a veteran who owned the console long ago during its heyday this list will include a wide range of titles some you may have heard of and some lesser known titles that are definitely worth buying. 

---

#1 Super Mario Brothers
Quintessentially the most played and best selling game for the platform. You can find it in a variety of flavors as either a standalone or as part of one of many multi-cart variants. Super Mario Brothers is a platforming game broken up into eight unique worlds each with four parts that end in a battle with Bowser (AKA King Koopa, AKA Rhyme Masta’ Turts). As far as platforming games go the game is fairly easy to adapt to and has a very nice difficulty curve up until the last two worlds when the game switches into insane mode. The game controls very tightly and lacks the cheap deaths that have become so common in modern games. You can pick up a copy of this game on the cheap from Lukie Games or from most second hand shops with relative ease.
If you like Super Mario Brothers you may also like: Super Mario Brothers 2. or Super Mario Brothers 3 for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Super Mario 2 is quite different from the original game and three because its just a palette swap another game and called DokiDoki Panic and plays exactly the same as it. Super Mario Brothers 3 however plays just like the original just with the addition of suits that give you special abilities and that you can now hold koopa shells in your hands and toss them. If you are more intimately familiar with the arcade game Mario Bros. that is also available for the NES.

---

#2 The Legend of Zelda
When it comes to adventure games the Legend of Zelda is definitely one of the tops it has non-linear gameplay a variety of secrets and puzzles loads of weapons. You have over eight dungeons to explore that you can go to in any order you want, and once you get the whistle or raft the entire world of Hyrule is your oyster. The Legend of Zelda is challenging as the enemies in the game play for keeps and when you die there are stiff penalties like losing your shield or rupees. The only real flaw the game has is its limited soundtrack as it only have a few songs that loop infinitely and can become grating after a long enough period of time has elapsed.
If you like The Legend of Zelda you may also like: Zelda II The Adventure of Link, Crystalis, or Faxanadu. All three of these games features similar High Fantasy settings a new fangled action oriented battle system where you gain experience by defeating enemies and level up while at the same time providing a similar experience to that of the original Zelda game. If you want a game that is nearly identical to it you can try Willow which plays almost identically while following the story of the movie Willow.

---

#3 Donkey Kong
Technically Mario's first appearance when he was still but a lowly carpenter from New York trying to save his girlfriend from a giant rampaging Ape this game stars him as he jumps over barrels and climbs ladders. It’s a decent port (especially when compared to the other ports) of the arcade game Donkey Kong and comes in a variety of flavors just like the original Super Mario Bros. game. You can get it as a multi cart with both it and Donkey Kong Jr. on it or as a stand alone. If you want an authentic arcade experience this is one of the games that will give you that feeling as it feels like playing the arcade version of Donkey Kong albeit with NES graphics.
If you like Donkey Kong you may also like: Donkey Kong Jr., Donkey Kong 3, and Wrecking Crew are all arcade style games, DK Jr. and DK 3 are sequels to the the Arcade hit Donkey Kong and are just as fun as the first while introducing new mechanics and gameplay elements. DK Jr. has you climbing vines and dropping fruit on enemies in order to defeat them, while DK 3 has you using a can of bug spray to defeat bugs that want only to murder the hell out of you Galaga style. Wrecking Crew features Mario during his days as a construction worker where he spent his time breaking down walls and doors. Wrecking Crew is kind of like a combination of Burgertime and Bomberman where you have to destroy specific objects in order to advance while enemies chase you around the stage and up and down ladders.

---

#4 Dragon Warrior
Ridiculous outfits! Random Encounters! Level Grinding! Three staples of the JRPG and this is the game that started it all. With an amazing soundtrack, many colorful enemies and lots of Olde English this game is a must have for anyone who likes a good traditional JRPG buts wants to experience the game that allowed us ‘muricans to be able to play our Persona’s and Final Fantasies. For the person who hasn’t played a JRPG before I must warn you that the game is only like four or five hours long, but you will spend hours level grinding. You will fight slimes, lots of slimes! Slimes of all different shapes and colors and sizes, some will be royalty and others will have funny hats! If you aren’t a fan of Olde English or odd writing styles the game has plenty of it and in my opinion it adds to the charm of the game.
If you like Dragon Warrior you may also like: Final Fantasy, Little Ninja Brothers, and Star tropics all are excellent examples of the best the system has to offer in the the JRPG genre. All three star a protagonist with a silly hat who has a destiny that says he has to save the world, similarities end there as each has a different setting and slightly different battle systems.

---

#5 Wizardry: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord
If you are more a fan of Dungeon and Dragons then the Wizardry series is definitely the game for you, you roll characters and go on an epic dungeon crawling adventure full of crazy enemies and unforgiving bosses. The thing that makes Wizardry unique is that once your entire team is wiped out you are forced to make a new team your entire team is now considered dead. In some versions of the game you can find, loot, and/or revive your old team and can then switch freely between your parties. Wizardry is a slow starting game though as rolling a good character can be quite hard as the points you get to distribute to build your character are randomly generated so making and deleting characters is half the fun of the game.
If you like western RPG’s like Wizardry you may also like: Wizardry II, Serpents and Swords, or Advanced Dungeon and Dragons All of which play almost identically and use the DND standards for making characters and building their respective worlds. If you like rolling imaginary dice all three of these games are full of these rolls from making characters to determining whether or not a sewer rat crits and slays your entire party. For those looking for a more lighthearted alternative A Bard Tale is full of humor and plays like a combination of Ultima and Wizardry while maintaining a steady influx of dick jokes.

---

#6 Wizards & Warriors

Jumping. Wizards and Warriors is like 90% jumping. You want to kill an enemy? You jump. You want to advance to a new area? You’ll have to jump to that shit. Wizards and Warriors is an old favorite of mine where you play Kuros a Knight who sets out to defeat the evil wizard Malkil by jumping through trees and collecting keys that open chests that contain either weapons that augment your attacks or treasure. Unlike Ghosts and Goblins where any time you pickup a weapon it becomes your main attack in this the weapons you pick up are flung about whenever you attack with your sword. i.e. If you have the knife it will be thrown forward and will then return to the player and repeats whenever you swing your sword.
If you like Wizards and Warriors you may also like: Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors II, and Wizards & Warriors III: Kuros: Visions of Power, both play very similarly to the original game while adding new conventions like item shops and a money system.

---

#7 Ninja Gaiden
One of the most contested things of the 90’s was the pronunciation of this game, was it Ninja “GAY-den” or “GUY-den”? School yards and arcades were rife with kids debating the hot button issue. Inevitably everyone found out that it was pronounced “Guy-den” and everyone immediately stopped caring. You play as Ryu Hayabusa on his quest to discover the mystery of a mysterious letter from his mysteriously missing father who is quite a mystery. You jump and you slice with your sword while being subject to some of the most bitchin’ cutscenes on the NES. The most notable thing about Ninja Gaiden is that it is so insanely difficult especially on the sixth level which is what I presume hell to be like.
If you like Ninja gayden then you may also like: Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos, Ninja Gaiden III: The Ancient Ship of Doom, and Strider three games are action platformers where you jump and slash. In the Ninja Gaiden you also have items to help you and and magic jutsu-spell things you can activate to help yourself. Strider is all about jumping and slashing as well but you can hang on walls and shit which is awesome. Warning all the Ninja Gaiden games are hard as all get out.

---

#8 Kickle Cubicle
A puzzle game by Irem originally for the Arcades and later ported to the Nintendo Entertainment System. You play as Kickle who must collect dream bags in order to save the people of fantasy land from the Wicked Wizard King who has turned everything to ice. The objective of each stage is to get the dream bag(s) by freezing your enemies and using their corpses to create bridges or to destroy other enemies. Kickle Cubicle is a pretty long game with over 30+ levels each requiring you to approach your goal in a certain way in order to succeed.
If you like Kickle Cubicle you may also like: You will most likely enjoy some of the consoles other big puzzle games like Tetris, Warriors Woods, Lolo and Bubble Bobble. Tickle your brain and show off your mad puzzle skills to friends as all of these games feature either a scoring system or multiplayer so you can show off!

---

#9 North & South
What are the things everyone likes? Strategy Games and the Civil War, especially when the civil war is based on a Belgian comic series about the American Civil War similar in style to Beetle Baily. The objective of the game is to unite the eastern coast of North America. You can play as either the Confederates or the Union and there are multiple elements that can be disabled and enabled to make the game more challenging like having storms that prevent units from moving or Native Americans who destroy units on certain states. All battles take place in real time and whenever you go to capture a fortress the game suddenly becomes a side scrolling platformer as you try to get to the enemy flag before time runs out. North & South is an interesting experience, one that I have yet to experience while playing any other strategy game.
If you like North & South you may also like: Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Genghis Kahn, Wallstreet Kid, and Overlord. Although a lot less whimsical then North & South all of these strategy games offer deep immersive gameplay that will make you lose track of time faster then you can say Anglo-Zanzibar War.

---

#10 Kirby's Adventure

He’s cute, he’s cuddly, and he's pink! Kirby’s Adventure is the second game in the Kirby series and is a port of Kirby’s Dreamland for the Gameboy with improved graphics and and the for the first time ever copy abilities. Kirby’s Adventure is a cutesy platforming game with about a pink walking blob that seeks to consume all living things, what's not to love? The game is fairly easy and is a great introduction to the rest of the Kirby series as many of the current conventions of the newer games originated here.
If you like Kirby’s Adventure you may also like: Happiness, because only a person who is truly in touch with the universe can truly appreciate how perfect the Kirby games are.

---

#11 Darkwing Duck
Darkwing Duck is based on the Television series of the same name is the result of a joint venture between Capcom and Disney where Capcom would get rights to their games and was the sole creator of Disney games for the Nintendo Entertainment System. It is likely that you are also aware of Ducktales for the Nintendo as its apparently much more popular, but I submit to you that Darkwing Duck is the superior game. Darkwing Duck takes the conventions of Megaman but makes everything less soul crushingly difficult and more fun. Just like with Megaman you start off with a stage select screen but instead of unlocking weapons by defeating bosses you obtain them over the course of a stage and some you even start with, you also are given the ability to duck, block, and hang three things absent from any other traditional Megaman style game. Basically this game is Megaman only better all you do is jump and shoot.
If you like Darkwing Duck then you may also like: Megaman, Megaman 5, and Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers all three are action platformers the Megaman games play identically to Darkwing Duck but Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers stands out as it features a not only a multiplayer feature but lacks the jump and shoot gameplay of the Megamans. In Chip and Dale you throw crates and other items that you pick up throughout the stage in order to wage battle.

---

#12 R.C. Pro-Am

If you happen to occasionally feel the need for speed, then R.C. Pro-Am will likely cure that urge! You start off in the minor leagues driving some sort of jeep and you upgrade your machine by picking up the random car parts strewn about the track. This is likely the best racing game on the Nintendo, the only major flaw is a lack of multiplayer Despite lacking multiplayer it still offers a great experience as it’s one of the first racing games to allow you to destroy other cars while racing by picking up and using weapons laying all around the course.
If you like R.C. Pro-Am you may also like: Spy Hunter, Excite Bike, Knight Rider, Stunt Kids, or R.C. Pro-AM II. These games will curb your need to be fast! In Spy Hunter you are racing along a long stretch of road attempting to avoid being taking down by the Police before you reach your destination. Excite Bike and Stunt Kids are all about the tricks as you ramp all the things! Knight Rider and Pro-Am II are both racing games that are all about using weapons to get yourself in first place.

---

Honorable Mentions

Die Hard (NES)

Buy yourself a copy or add your name to be notified here!

Here we go again: the holiday season! You've only got a few days left to wrap those gifts, gang! In order to take your mind off of the holiday doldrums, here's a game that is very peripherally related to Christmas. For some reason that I can't fathom, there really aren't that many games appropriate for the holidays. Aside from the bible games on the Nintendo and the occasional PC game hack or add-on that adds Santa hats to everything from Lemmings to Team Fortress snipers - there really isn't much in the Christmas game department. So here I am plumbing the limited well of Die Hard games to celebrate our snowy season!

So when we last left our grizzled hero John McClane: he was trudging through the original trilogy of Die Hard flicks in 1996's "Die Hard Trilogy" for the Playstation. A game that I recommended only based on the relatively low price point and the fact that you get 3 different games in 1 which was a novel idea and you could tell that the programmers really tried with that game. That game didn't hold up over the years but the NES is timeless, right? Surely this game should hold up much better than the pixelly, polygonal mess of sludgy Playstation-era gaming.

It's no mystery that movie licensed games are hit-or-miss and perhaps no system has more misses than the NES. Lethal Weapon, Total Recall, Terminator, Jaws, Rambo, Platoon, Friday the 13th: these are all games that I hold some quirky nostalgia for, but are ultimately terrible cash-ins. That being said, any of the Capcom Disney games were usually a success and Taito did a decent job with the Hannah Barbera stuff. Hell, even Willow was decently executed. So the question is: can Activision do what LJN, Bandai, or Sony Imagesoft were unable to do? Can they actually make a true-to-cinema representation of Die Hard?

Yes.

and No.

err...maybe.

...and figure out what this buffoon is actually trying to say!

Ok, let's get this right out of the way because it's necessary to put this game into context. This game is hard. I'm not just talking "Nintendo hard," this game is an unrelenting hail of bullets coming straight at your face. When I do these reviews I usually either tackle games that I've already beaten or gotten far enough along that I could easily give you guys and gals the gist of the entire experience. This game is so taxing that I have to admit - I had no choice but to call in the Genie. That's right: I'm a cheap, tawdry, tart in a pink tu-tu. A filthy, no good, down-and-out cheater. You may not respect me in the morning, but at least I got past the first floor. Let's continue.

So many objects on the screen that my NES is having a seizure!

Stylistically speaking, this game is very reminiscent of Alien Syndrome meets Gauntlet. A top-down perspective shooter where it's you versus 40 terrorists. The objectives are such: defeat all of the 40 terrorists, free the hostages on the thirtieth floor, knock out the security computer on floor 5 and defeat Hans the mastermind. So far, so good. The game takes many elements from the film and doesn't add a lot of useless, nonsensical fluff like most movie and tv tie-in games. There aren't pacman ghosts, spiders, dragons or anything that John McClane wouldn't have reasonably faced in the movie. Broken glass is one of the only main obstacles outside of gun-toting thugs and even that has a connection to the film.

                                              God Bless Youtube. Video by user ccnipper


So overall, one could argue that the game is a decent film tie-in based on the relative accuracy, the decently rendered cutscene graphics, and the fast action. However, the difficulty level of the game really mars the enjoyment level. Enemies pop out of dark corners from seemingly nowhere and will fire off bullets in all directions like a "bullet hell" style Shmup. They have a seemingly endless supply of bullets and have no trouble hitting you with most of them. YOU on the other hand are saddled with being able to shoot in awkward 90 or 45 degree angles with no real fluidity or finesse. This is predictable and expected of an NES game, but why can't the enemies be saddled with similar restraints. Or better yet, why can't the easy mode be easier? One of the only main differences between the two modes of easy or difficult is the randomization of floors. There are plenty of powerups in the game that can heal your hitpoints or foot power, but getting past the enemies and to a vending machine or medkit can be a struggle in and of itself - coupled with the fact that any corner that isn't in your immediate periphery is blacked out until you reach it.

Monkey statues = awesome

Another main downfall of the game is that the replayability level is relatively low. Unlike similarly oriented action games such as Zombies Ate My Neighbors, Alien Syndrome, Smash TV, or The Immortal: there's just not much variety waiting around the next corner. One relatively stale office room or boardroom after another, filled with tough to kill, generic bad guys, and no real room traps aside from the ability to accidentally plummet out of the windows or run into some broken glass and cut your tootsies up. In all of the other aforementioned games, there's danger, excitement, surprises around the corner. Here, there's a bearded bad guy movie cliche' on a two-way radio that gives you the heads up that more nondescript goons are coming to drain the last of your limited ammo and health.

But all of the gauze in the world won't cure his athlete's foot!

Overall, Die Hard is a reasonably successful game. If a challenge is what you're looking for, you will get that in spades. It doesn't have the deepest plot in the world, but neither did the movie. As Todd Snider once said in his song "Tension," "After the bad guy killed off all of the underdeveloped characters, the good guy put a bullet right through his head." The graphics are definitely serviceable, the music is a little grating at times but not a tragedy of Color Dreams proportions, and the fact that the game sticks relatively close to the film without veering off into the no man's land of nonsense game developer fantasies (I'm looking at YOU Nightmare on Elm Street) all add up to a licensed game that isn't perfect but definitely has promise. It's better than Dick Tracy, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Gilligan's Island, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, The Karate Kid, Best of the Best, and Platoon, so that's saying something. It's a bit on the pricier side (being an uncommon title) but would be a good action game to have for any NES collector. Happy Holidays and Yippie Ki Yay, Lukie Gamers!

Friday the 13th (NES)

SPOILER: You can’t destroy him because he’ll always come back in the sequel.

In the spirit of the season I decided that I would try out playing some licensed horror games. I thought to myself, “Hey Friday the 13th was a pretty good movie I’m sure they probably made some halfway decent games!” Well I was wrong, horribly… horribly… wrong. I played Friday the 13th for the Nintendo Entertainment System which was published by LJN studios which apparently is a pretty loathed publishing company. I can definitely see merit in disliking games published by LJN as I can safely say that Friday the 13th is an objectively bad game just like a vast majority of other titles put out by LJN. I personally am a big fan of the horror genre and I like to try and play as many games in that genre as possible everything from Alone in the Dark to Amnesia the Dark Descent but this game is something completely different. Very rarely do I find video games bad in the same sense as bad movies but just like how the movie Insidious was an awful sham of a horror film Friday the 13th for the NES is a terrible sham of a horror game.

And live with the memory of having played some of the worst games to ever exist.

 

In Friday the 13th you play as one of six possible Camp Counselors George, Mark, Paul, Laura, Debbie, and Crissy. Any of those names ring a bell? No? That’s because none of them are characters from the movie this game is supposedly based off. The objective of the game is to succeed at not dying for three entire days and nights all the while having to prevent Jason from killing the counselors and the children residing in the camp. In total you have access to six counselors to play as who effectively act as your lives as anytime you die you can just switch to another counselor. After all six are gone you lose the game. There are multiple areas you can travel through each with its own gimmick like how left is right when traveling on the main road, the interiors of cabins are third person dungeon crawlers and how the forest is a ridiculous maze that you should never even consider entering. In order to "win" the game you will have to enter the cabins at some point and you will have to travel along the road throwing rocks at zombies the entire way, but the forest you can totally avoid and I recommend this highly. In several attempts at play-throughs the main reason I lost was because I tried to use the forest as a short cut to get to another area but wound up getting lost  every time as each area looks identical which is a pretty big problem considering the entire thing is broken up into many sub areas that link into one another.

Honestly the kids in the cabins the woods were as good as dead anyway.

I'll give the game credit in that the controls are fairly responsive but the gameplay itself is horrendous. The player has two different ways of avoiding being horribly murdered by the hordes of undead, a jump, and the ability to throw rocks these would be great if they were useful. Now bear with me for a moment. One would assume that its hard to flub something as simple as giving the player the ability to jump and attack enemies but LJN messed that up. The starting weapon is a rock that does barely any damage and makes fighting zombies let alone Jason an impossibility as it does so little damage and lacks any sort of stun ability that it might as well be the cane in Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. The jumping despite being fairly responsive is pretty useless as the zombies operate on Ghosts and Ghouls logic where they will pop-up underneath you and in proximity of wherever you land after jumping. Once you get inside a house everything changes into a round of dungeon crawling ala Wizardry where you navigate cabins and pick up and use items in order to further objectives and prevent Jason from killing you.

George + Knife = Happy Face? Maybe he’s the real killer.

I’m going to level with you. This game is so god awful I wouldn’t recommend it by any stretch of the imagination to anyone but a collector or the hardiest of retro gamers. It is likely that there are some features that I may not have discovered during my playtime of Friday the 13th despite having played the game to completion once and having played to failure a plethora of times having admitted this I want to assure you all that I found this game to be terrible in all regards, but it is playable. If you try hard enough and you make sure you draw out a map as you travel through the forest or the cabins then your chances of beating the game grow exponentially. I’d recommend that if Jason pops up as you are traveling from cabin to cabin that you run as the likelihood of you beating him without having picked up the knife is pretty low. Remember kids, LJN is bad and they should feel bad.

Especially because they apparently can’t comprehend that animals aren’t blue.

Terrifying Terrible Terrors: Ren & Stimpy: Buckaroo$ (NES)

It was a Halloween night, much like this one.
A horrible night for a curse.
But that's exactly what it had in store for me.

I was around 13 years old. I'll be the first to admit - I was starting to get "a little old" for trick-or-treating. However, my little brother really wanted to get his sugar fix and my folks wanted me to take him around a couple of blocks in our neighborhood. Most of my friends ditched me to go to Jeff Davis' Halloween party anyway. His folks were loaded and they always threw these ridiculous Halloween parties with a make-shift haunted house in the backyard, bobbing for apples, games, pizza and more. He also happened to be the knob who made out with my ex-girlfriend after second period P.E. I hate Jeff Davis.

So instead, I'm hauling my little brother (dressed as Felix the Cat) around my neighborhood.

Oh well, I guess I could steal a few of his Reese's peanut butter cups while he's sleeping anyway.

Sadly, it was beginning to look like a bust. We got out a little late and the first two attack squadrons of kids picked the flesh off of the rotting carcass of candy and we were stuck with the tootsie rolls, smarties and dum dums. Oh, and those ridiculous Mexican honey wafer candies that get stuck in your cavities. I could read the disappointment on my brother's greasepaint smeared face and figured it was time to cut our 5 block neighborhood tour down to 3. That meant a couple more houses and we were going to head back from the battle, tail between our legs and head down in defeat. Cryin' to mama through cloudy, black and white cat tears.

Suddenly, there we were. Right smack dab in front of Jeff Davis' house.

Aside from the aforementioned treasure trove of Halloween goodness within and behind his house, his front yard was decked out like a Party City on steroids. Animatronic zombies spring to life from shallow graves, Bats hanging from strings that would make "Squeeeeeeeek Squeeeeeeek" noises when you stepped close enough, his dad; dressed like Leatherface, would run around the yard with a chainless chainsaw, revving it up and scaring the sweet baby Jesus out of any unlucky kids who happened to get to close to the front porch and reach into the plastic pumpkin labeled "Take One and Leave!"

My brother was a petrified stone that I had to roll up the driveway, knowing damn good and well that the Davis' had King Size Snickers and Reese's 4 packs in that plastic pumpkin. I was NOT going to go home empty handed from this otherwise depressing jaunt around our neighborhood. Even if it WAS candy that had been in the grubby, filthy, evil hands of the Davis family. Screw it. I'm gonna take FIVE and bolt.

However, no sooner did I get past the bats, the cobwebs, the cackling witch in the rocking chair and daddy beef jerky face with his functionless yard utensil than did Jeff himself show up at the front door, dressed in a vampire cape and a Bill Clinton mask.

"Hey - 'Sup?"
"err - my little brother is going around trick or treating and..."
"So do you wanna come in?" He asked.
"Nah - he's getting tired and..."
"Hey, wait a minute..."

Jeff stepped away and left me to my odd, awkward, teenage shame.
There I was, at the house of my nemesis and my friends were clearly having more fun than I was. To top it off, I'm waiting at his stoop begging for candy for my brother. God, I hate Jeff Davis.

"Here ya go!"
He plops a handful of candy into my brother's bag and something square and made of hard plastic into mine.
"Happy Halloween, Chris!"
"Yeah...Happy....Happy." I muttered.
We headed home and the entire time I was completely and absolutely confused. "What the hell did Jeff stick in my bag anyway?" I wondered. My brother was certainly in a much better mood as he thumbed through the bottom of his bag, doing a rough count on his spoils of war.

"Wow, Chris! THREE Snicka's Baas!"
"Yeah, that's great Joe..."
I couldn't help but be eaten up by curiosity...what was it? What could it be?

When we got home I ran upstairs to my room without so much as giving my parents a cursory "hey...sup."
I dumped my bag on my bed and out plopped a small mountain of various crap candy and the mystery item that Jeff handed me.

It was a Nintendo game!

"Wahhhh! Man, that's kinda...cool?!"

Not just any game, mind you - a game based on one of my favorite cartoons of all time: Ren and Stimpy! It was Ren and Stimpy: Buckaroos! Maybe that Jeff Davis wasn't such a jerk after all. I mean, sure he kissed my girlfriend but girls come and go - Nintendo games are forever!

I pushed it into my console and started it up with pride.

"Ehh...ok. That KINDA sounds like the theme to Ren and Stimpy."

It did too. Sort of. Only it was garbled up and half of the notes were in the wrong key. It was kind of like when someone is paid to do a "sound-a-like" for a commercial. Sure it's not ACTUALLY that U2 song you've heard all summer, but pretty close. That sort of thing.

"Hey! A cutscene - cool!"

Yup, this game made you a bunch of money,THQ. But at what cost?!

It was sort of, kind of, not at all like the cartoon. The characters were vague representations of Ren and Stimpy, but almost looked too clean in their lines. It's kind of odd saying that they look "too good" and that's a complaint - but it kind of is. They weren't edgy or wacky at all. Where's the oddball close-ups? I know that Nintendo games are capable of this sort of thing. And why is the dialogue so stilted? You can always tell when a team of programmers are writing a licensed video game instead of the original writing team because it always sounds like an alien's approximation of what a character would say. Just putting in the line "You eediot!" doesn't quite capture the Je ne sais quoi of Ren - it just sounds like your moronic cubical-mate at work doing a poor Billy West impression.

"Oh....Oh no!"

Our...heroes?

Now the horror commences.  The game has started. My mission is to play as Stimpy and to somehow launch Ren over the warp machine and to the end of the level. The room is very small, so this should be a piece of cake, right? I mean, they give you practically all of the items you need right at the jump.

"Jump...oh that jump!"

That's right. Neither white men nor Stimpys can jump. Stimpy turns into a slimy wet noodle every time you hit the jump button and he spastically falls short of wherever you want him to land. Sometimes you can get him to vault up to the power-ups and items above him, but mostly you'll just watch him flop around the room like a dying fish. Like a fuzzy red, bloated, white bellied, dead-eyed bass. Ren just keeps pacing back and forth, stopping only occasionally to have a Tourettes fit and start pounding his head.

Wait - wait...What's happening here? That's not right.

And then one of two things happens:
Either
A.) You have a pickle of a time figuring out what to do and accidentally wind up in and out of the teleportation machine yourself without getting Ren to move anywhere.
or
B.) You launch Ren over the teleportation machine, enter it - then eventually come out to accidentally launch his Chihuahua butt back OVER the machine once you reach the other side.

Either way, you're going to have to endure the space minigame more than once. This is about where I shut the game off every single time.

"Sweet mother of Mario - what is going on?! Why does everything control like it was underwater and I had my hands chopped off for stealing an apple in Saudi Arabia?"

It's like playing Gradius blind. And with no thumbs.

The space minigame is nothing short of an atrocity. Do you want to know why that Jerry Lewis movie "The Day the Clown Cried" has never been released? It's just an endless loop of this crappy space shooter. I kid you not, I have played Color Dreams/Bunch games that were better programmed, with sharper controls than this. The stage is pedestrian, the graphics are ugly (but not in that kitchy, Ren and Stimpy way - just gross,) it's repetitive and I've honestly played D-level Atari games with 100% more replay value than this monstrosity. If you ever want to replicate this experience without having to subject yourself to eye-strain, huff a bag of paint and bash your head with a brick - then chase squirrels into oncoming traffic.

On second thought, don't do that.

Just that moment, I ripped the game from the console and flung it against the wall. The plastic cover split into two pieces and it lay defeated on my floor. I made sure to stomp on it a few times and then fling it out of my second story window just to make sure it was dead.

"I hate you Jeff Davis" were the last words I said that whole evening. I went to bed without even stealing a single candy bar from my brother's bag...





...Ok, so none of that actually happened. But I could only imagine that would have been my reaction to receiving Ren and Stimpy if I had not been properly warned before that it's more than a little awful. That being said, if you're a hardcore collector like me, it belongs somewhere in your collection. Preferably stacked behind a bunch of far better games where you can't really reach it unless you had to pull a handful of much better titles out first to get to it. You'll be so tired and frustrated that you'll settle for Castlevania III or Mystery Quest instead of this game. That being said, if you want to add it to your collection: just add it to your wanted list on Lukie Games here!

The SNES game is different, and while I won't call it a masterpiece either - it's at least better than this one!

Happy Halloween!

Strategizing with Mike: Romance of the Three Kingdoms (NES)

So you were considering taking control of China, but you just don’t know where to start. Well that’s why I’m here to help you learn the tricks and strategies you will need to master in order to vanquish your foes in Romance of the Three Kingdoms for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

I was pretty sure China wasn’t a giant desert, maybe this is the Mad Max version?

First things first, if you did not know in this game you can only play as established Rulers with established forces. If you check out the picture above that is a screenshot of the first campaign and all the colored numbers represent territories controlled by a ruler, for instance the light green is the territory controlled by Dong Zhou (Territories 18, 19, 20, 21)  and the numbers with a yellow border are Yuan Shaos (4, and 5). Assuming this is your first time playing the game I recommend the first campaign and playing and Dong Zhou as he starts with a massive standing army and fairly well developed cities. Regardless of who you pick these are the commands and stats that you must learn and master in order to succeed in this game:

Gold, Rice, and Price.

Gold: The numbers next to gold indicates that cities told gold resources

Rice:  Indicates total amount of Rice in your city.

Price: indicates how much a unit of Rice costs to buy or sell.

Gold and Rice are incredibly important especially for a front line city as it costs both of them to not only feed and army but to maintain your city. The only way to get Gold or Rice (besides selling Rice for Gold or vice versa) is by developing you city which brings us to the next set of stats. You gain Rice and Gold once a year during the Summer.

Castles, Horses, Metal, Land Value, Floods.

Castles: The total amount of Territories you control.

Horses: Amount of Horses you have to make Cavalry units (measured in hundreds [i.e. 1=100]) Horses can be bought to increase the number.

Metal: Whether or not your city has a stable supply of Metal ore in order to produce additional weaponry for your units.

Land Value: How well developed the territory's land is on a scale of 1 (which is undeveloped) to 100 (which is fully developed).

Flood: Should be read as a percentage and is the chance that the territory will be flooded at the start of the next season. Can be reduced by developing land. Flooding lowers land development and can decrease total population and other assets.

One of the most important things to do with any city is to develop it to a minimum Land Value of 50, this will give you a decent yield of both Rice and Gold. I would strongly, STRONGLY, encourage you to max out your cities development when the chance presents itself. The more you develop the lower the Flood percentage will be. Metal is generally something specific to a territory so arms will usually have to be built in territories with a stable metal supply.

Pop., Loyalty, General, Men, Free Generals.

Pop. (Population): How many people reside in a particular territory. Every January all territories gain about a 20% increase in Population.

Loyalty: How loyal the territory's citizens are towards you. This has an affect on Rice and Gold gains and on whether or not a riot may happen. This can be raised by distributing Rice to the populace.

Generals: How many Generals you have in a particular territory.

Men: How many troops you have in a particular territory.

Free Generals: The amount of wandering unaligned (potential) Generals in a territory. Sometimes you need to use the Search command in order to find Free Generals.

Increasing loyalty is a must when you first conquer a territory as the people generally will be mistrustful and this will negatively impact any kind of yields you would hope to reap from the new land. (Wo)Men eat food, so you need to make sure you have a stable amount of Gold and Rice to keep the standing army standing.

 

Now for the fun part, the commands, these are the actions you can take once per turn barring the “View” command in certain situations. So first let me explain what they all do and we can finally get to the fun part.

Move: Move allows you to move Generals from one place to another. Due to the fact that troops(Men) are attached to the Generals moving a General moves his entire unit to whatever territory you are sending him.

War: You declare War on a territory and initiate a battle after choosing the Generals and Supplies you want to bring.

Send: Send allows you to move Rice and Gold between territories. Depending on the unit moving he supplies it may or may not be intercepted by bandits or another force.

Recruit: Allows you to draft more soldiers, this is done in multiples of one hundred so for every one unit you draft it equals out to one hundred men. (1=100) After you recruit you have to assign the troops to Generals, the maximum amount any General can have is 20,000.

View: View allows you to look at your own Generals and city stats in detail or an opposing forces stats. Looking at your own force is more or less a free action and you can look at your cities as much as you want without having to worry about wasting a turn.

Give: Give allows you to donate Rice to the people to raise loyalty or you can give gold to a General to raise his Loyalty.

Develop: Develops does what it implies it Develops your Territory increasing Land Value and decreasing Flood percentage. You can use however much gold you want for this action but it is advised that you use a Maximum of 10 gold and always, ALWAYS use a High IQ General.

Train: Train improves the ability of the Generals in a territory and after enough training their stats will begin to improve.

Search: Helps find any hidden Free Generals in a territory.

Diplomacy: Allows you to form alliances

Or you can just stab the messenger.

Now that you understand the basic domestic commands lets move onto battle commands and the flow of a typical battle. Depending on whether or not you are invading or defending the general objective of battle will be slightly different.

If you are Invading:

If you are invading your only way of winning is is to either capture the enemy city, defeat the enemy ruler, defeat all enemy units, or force the opposing force to flee.

If you are Defending:

Defend for 30 turns, Defend until enemy runs out of food, or Defeat all enemy units.

Battle itself takes place on a hex-based map with a several different terrain types to navigate. All units have a based movement of four but that can be increased by waiting a turn, or by training a unit. Different terrain takes a different amount of movement to traverse (i.e. Water takes four movement to traverse as do mountains). Before capturing a fort or supplies you have to wait one turn before moving onto it. You can place a total of ten units when Defending or Invading with a maximum total troop count being 200,000.

Each unit has access to a host of commands which depending on the Generals ability will be effective or not.

Movement: Allows you to move however many spaces your unit allows. You can also split a unit into two separate units to either surround and enemy or to help defend a fort.

Attack: Allows you to do one of three things:

1. Perform a regular attack on a single enemy
2. Perform a joint attack in which all units surrounding an enemy attack at once
3. Perform a fire attack.

Flee: Causes the unit to retreat from the battle.

Pass: Skip that units turn, you gain one movement on that units next turn. You can continuously do this until you reach the maximum movement which is fifteen.

View: Lets you check out the Generals stats.

Recon: Lets you look at the field and at the Generals in enemy units.

A rule of thumb for any battle is to try and set enemy units on fire as often as you can, generally the higher a General’s intelligence the better the success rate of the fire attack will be. If a unit is on fire they are forced to either move to another space, flee, or be destroyed on their next turn. Naturally this tactic is most effective on units sitting on forts or their army’s supplies as it forces them off it and in the case of supplies being set on fire it causes the opposing force to lose 100 Rice per unit every turn!

Some people see this while I see…

Here’s my closing advice (in assuming you gained nothing from the previous bits I gave), if you want to last long in ROTK you need to form alliances. When you are allies with a force it not only keeps them from attacking you but it allows you to focus on one front instead of multiple. It is imperative that if you want to attack a force you keep the attacking territory fully stocked with Gold and Rice so that you don’t run out of supplies in battle. If an overwhelming enemy force is attacking you a diversionary strategy is best a good example is to send a strong General with a small number of troops to lead the enemy units away from your supplies. You can do this by moving the unit close to the enemy and then having it turn around and head in the opposite direction, doing this can help waste the enemy’s time and supplies by having them fruitlessly follow your diversionary unit. Hopefully you pulled something from this and I didn’t wind up writing a million word article that was nothing more than a massive game manual.