Friday the 13th (NES)

SPOILER: You can’t destroy him because he’ll always come back in the sequel.

In the spirit of the season I decided that I would try out playing some licensed horror games. I thought to myself, “Hey Friday the 13th was a pretty good movie I’m sure they probably made some halfway decent games!” Well I was wrong, horribly… horribly… wrong. I played Friday the 13th for the Nintendo Entertainment System which was published by LJN studios which apparently is a pretty loathed publishing company. I can definitely see merit in disliking games published by LJN as I can safely say that Friday the 13th is an objectively bad game just like a vast majority of other titles put out by LJN. I personally am a big fan of the horror genre and I like to try and play as many games in that genre as possible everything from Alone in the Dark to Amnesia the Dark Descent but this game is something completely different. Very rarely do I find video games bad in the same sense as bad movies but just like how the movie Insidious was an awful sham of a horror film Friday the 13th for the NES is a terrible sham of a horror game.

And live with the memory of having played some of the worst games to ever exist.

 

In Friday the 13th you play as one of six possible Camp Counselors George, Mark, Paul, Laura, Debbie, and Crissy. Any of those names ring a bell? No? That’s because none of them are characters from the movie this game is supposedly based off. The objective of the game is to succeed at not dying for three entire days and nights all the while having to prevent Jason from killing the counselors and the children residing in the camp. In total you have access to six counselors to play as who effectively act as your lives as anytime you die you can just switch to another counselor. After all six are gone you lose the game. There are multiple areas you can travel through each with its own gimmick like how left is right when traveling on the main road, the interiors of cabins are third person dungeon crawlers and how the forest is a ridiculous maze that you should never even consider entering. In order to "win" the game you will have to enter the cabins at some point and you will have to travel along the road throwing rocks at zombies the entire way, but the forest you can totally avoid and I recommend this highly. In several attempts at play-throughs the main reason I lost was because I tried to use the forest as a short cut to get to another area but wound up getting lost  every time as each area looks identical which is a pretty big problem considering the entire thing is broken up into many sub areas that link into one another.

Honestly the kids in the cabins the woods were as good as dead anyway.

I'll give the game credit in that the controls are fairly responsive but the gameplay itself is horrendous. The player has two different ways of avoiding being horribly murdered by the hordes of undead, a jump, and the ability to throw rocks these would be great if they were useful. Now bear with me for a moment. One would assume that its hard to flub something as simple as giving the player the ability to jump and attack enemies but LJN messed that up. The starting weapon is a rock that does barely any damage and makes fighting zombies let alone Jason an impossibility as it does so little damage and lacks any sort of stun ability that it might as well be the cane in Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. The jumping despite being fairly responsive is pretty useless as the zombies operate on Ghosts and Ghouls logic where they will pop-up underneath you and in proximity of wherever you land after jumping. Once you get inside a house everything changes into a round of dungeon crawling ala Wizardry where you navigate cabins and pick up and use items in order to further objectives and prevent Jason from killing you.

George + Knife = Happy Face? Maybe he’s the real killer.

I’m going to level with you. This game is so god awful I wouldn’t recommend it by any stretch of the imagination to anyone but a collector or the hardiest of retro gamers. It is likely that there are some features that I may not have discovered during my playtime of Friday the 13th despite having played the game to completion once and having played to failure a plethora of times having admitted this I want to assure you all that I found this game to be terrible in all regards, but it is playable. If you try hard enough and you make sure you draw out a map as you travel through the forest or the cabins then your chances of beating the game grow exponentially. I’d recommend that if Jason pops up as you are traveling from cabin to cabin that you run as the likelihood of you beating him without having picked up the knife is pretty low. Remember kids, LJN is bad and they should feel bad.

Especially because they apparently can’t comprehend that animals aren’t blue.

What Handheld should I get? Pros and Cons (Gen VII Edition) Part 1–The Nintendo DS

In the same vein as my last article on the Pros and Cons of the PS3, Xbawks 360, and Wii I’ll be looking at the two main hand-held consoles and their variants. For those uninitiated the two major Handheld Consoles being discussed in this article are the Nintendo DS and PlayStation Portable. Each handheld has had multiple variants released over the years that either had extra features of better compatibility. I won’t lie and profess that the only handheld consoles released in the seventh generation of consoles were the PSP and the DS but consoles like the Gizmondo, CAANOO, GP2X, Pandora, Zone 30 in 1, and the Mi2. These other handhelds never achieved mainstream popularity and are pretty hard to find in a conventional store, so I have chosen to omit them and instead look at the two behemoths the Nintendo DS and PSP and each of their revisions. This will be a two part article due to how long they will each be.

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Nintendo DS

The Nintendo DS is the successor to the Gameboy Advance and was Nintendo’s handheld foray into the Seventh Generation of gaming consoles and was originally released on November 21, 2004. The Nintendo DS was the first successful handheld to utilize a touchscreen and started a trend of companies attempting to be innovative in the gaming industry. The Nintendo DS uses 8-512 Megabyte cartridges utilizing flash memory for all saves (unless of course you are too cool for saving), the increased size of the game carts over their Gameboy Advance cart nephews allowed for improved graphics and even 3D sprites. Another feature of the DS was the beginning of the trend to include WiFi connectivity in handhelds replacing the old link cables of yesteryear. WiFi made playing multiplayer games a breeze and generally had a range of about 7 or 8 feet. WiFi could also be used to play games with people far away by using your own internet connection to connect to a Nintendo server. The revolutionary features don’t end there, you could use the DS to download game Demos from the Wii and for some games you could connect your DS to the Wii itself.
Since the creation of the Nintendo DS it has gone under several revisions including the Nintendo DS Lite, Nintendo DSi, and Nintendo DSi XL. Not to mention the many collectors variants of the handheld.
Pros and Cons of the System (Overall)
Pros:
Large Number of High Quality First Party Games: The Nintendo DS has an overabundance of great first party titles from many stable franchises like the Mario Bros., Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Pokemon and Star Fox.
Decent amount of Quality Second and Third Party Games: Atlus and other third party companies release quite a few good games on the console from stable franchises like the Megami Tensei series and Namco’s Harvest Moon and Rune Factory series.
Inexpensive: Depending on Model a DS won’t usually set you back $60-$75 with the most being around the $100 range.
Almost Non-existent hardware issues: Sans the DS Lite, the DS series suffers very rarely from design issues with the worst possible thing usually being a speaker dying in an old DS Phat.
Large Gaming Library: Overall the Nintendo DS’s game library is massive and caters to a variety of audiences.
Touch Screen Utilization: The Handheld has a touch screen, it works flawlessly.
Cheap and Easy Repair: Regardless of Model Nintendo DS replacement parts are easy to find and for the most part are easy to replace. Screen replacement is as easy as opening the handheld up, unplugging a ribbon and plugging the new one in.
Good Battery Life: All of the DS models have battery lives ranging from 12 to 15 hours of continuous play while having screen brightness set to default. On maximum settings its around 6 to 8 hours.
Region-Free: All DS games are region free and can be played on any Nintendo DS except the iQue Model,because China is communist >:(
Microphone: The Console(s) have a built in microphone which is utilized in certain games that require the player to talk or for certain games that allow voice chatting via Nintendo WiFi Connection or Local WiFi.
Cons:
Region Locked Consoles: The DSi and DSi XL are region locked.
Large Amount of Shovelware: As with any console with a large library (see: Playstation) there is bound to be a good deal of Shovelware. For every Mario and Luigi game there will be about 15 Imagine Ballerina games.
Limited Backwards Compatibility: Of the line of Nintendo DS’s the only two capable of backwards compatibility are the Original Nintendo DS and the Nintendo DS Lite. These two handhelds are capable of playing Gameboy Advance games but not Gameboy or Gameboy Color games.

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• The Nintendo DS (Original/Phat)
• Released: November 21, 2004

The Nintendo DS Original or “Phat” as the internet tends to refer it, was the first model of the console and is the second largest in size of the series of consoles. Being the first in the series it only contained the basic features of the console. The Original DS had basic WiFi connectivity in order to play games locally or online via the Nintendo WiFi Connection service. It also has PictoChat, a local chat feature which can accommodate up to 8 people per chat room and there are 4 rooms meaning up to 42 people total in a given area can engage in PictoChat.
Pros and Cons (of the console)
Pros:
Backwards Compatibility: Capable of playing Gameboy Advance games, not but Gameboy or Gameboy Color games.
Sturdy: From my hands on experience I have deduced that the DS Phat is practically invulnerable when it comes to drops, getting kicked, being sat upon, and other situations in which a lesser console would become irreparably harm.
Cheap and Easy to Repair: Repair parts are cheap and easy to find and require no soldering or any advanced techniques to replace.
Cheap: The Original Model DS is the cheapest model, so for the price conscious it may be best to purchase an Original Model DS.
Cons:
Small Screen Size: The Original Model DS has a very small screen which is around the size of the Gameboy advances. So for those with very bad eyes it may be better to avoid this particular version.
Dead Pixels: Commonly the Original Model DS’s would have Dead Pixels, which ultimately don’t inhibit Gameplay but are very annoying.
Shortest battery life: Averages 6 to 8 hours.

Best Game of 2010!

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• Nintendo DS Lite
• Released: June 11, 2006

The Nintendo DS Lite is the most popular model of Nintendo DS, it combines a sleek lightweight design with all the functionality of the original Model. The Nintendo DS Lite has the most color variations and limited edition bundle versions out of any of the Nintendo DS’s and up until recently was the staple DS of choice for many. Despite some aesthetic differences the DS Lite is exactly the same as the Original DS.
Pros and Cons of the System
Pros:
Compact Design: The DS Lite is about 20% smaller with a sleeker design.
Adjustable Backlight: The DS Lite is the first DS to have an adjustable backlight which could increase battery life by setting the DS the lowest brightness setting, or you could maximize that biatch and illuminate a room. (There are four levels of backlight.)
Easy to Find: Despite the Original Model being cheaper the DS Lite is slightly more common due to it’s overall popularity.
Cons:
Flimsy Design: Unlike it’s larger older brother, the DS Lite is plagued with problems due either cheap plastics of overall weakness of design. The most common problems are the hinge to the top screen breaking, the shoulder buttons malfunctioning, and the D-pad ceasing to function.
Glossy Finish: The glossy finish on the handheld broadcasts fingerprints and scratches to the entire universe. (Might be a Pro to some people, this is mostly an aesthetic thing.)

You get what you pay for amirght?

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• Nintendo DSi
• Released: April 5, 2009

The DSi is completely different from the DS Lite and the Original DS in every aspect, while being slightly more compact than the DS Lite it includes two .03 Megapixel cameras built in and a redesigned user interface. The DSi also uses a much more powerful processor and has about 100% more internal memory which can be expanded through the addition of an SD card (up to 32 Gigabytes). Along with the changes the DSi had an E-Shop in which one could purchase applications and games. There are also games which when played on the DSi will either move faster or will have certain features unlocked. An Example of a DS game with bonus features is Pokemon Black/White which not only run faster on the DSi but has a feature for local video chatting utilizing the camera and microphone on the console.
Pros and Cons of the System
Pros:
Adjustable Backlight: Just like the DS Lite the DSi has an adjustable backlight, only instead of four levels there are now five levels to which you can adjust the backlight. Just think, you could illuminate an entire house with that many levels!
Improved UI: The improved User Interface not only is incredibly smooth and pleasant to look at but it also removes one of the frustrations of the older systems that makes it so that you have to shutdown the console before removing or inserting a game. Now you can merely reset the console by tapping the power button and while on the home screen you can freely remove and insert DS cartridges.
Matte Finish: Unlike the DS Lite the Matte finish on the DSi makes it harder for the handheld to be scratched and doesn’t attract fingerprints.
WPA WiFi Connectivity: The DSi is capable of both WEP and WPA WiFI connectivity making it more compatible with WiFi hotspots.
E-Shop: The DSi has an E-shop where games and applications can be purchased with DSi Points, there are also free applications like Flipnote Hatena which is very popular.
Built-in Camera: The DSi has two built in cameras which can be used to take pictures or video.
Expandable Memory: You can insert an SD card (up to 32GB) to expand the consoles memory for storing games, pictures, or video.
Web Browser: The DSi can download the Opera web browser and can surf rudimentary websites like forums or review websites, though it has a tough time handling video websites.
Cons:
No Backwards Compatibility: The DSi lacks a slot for Gameboy games so all that can be played on it are DS games and games purchased through the E-Shop.
Expensive: The DSi is one of the most expensive versions only second to the DSi XL.
Region Locked: The DSi is region locked.

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• Nintendo DSi XL
• March 28 2010

The Nintendo DSi XL did not particularly bring anything new to the table as a revision, the only striking detail about it is that the handheld is significantly larger then all of its predecessors in all respects. Upon release the handheld came with two free games and one free application, however the application is now free and the games were just two copies of Brain Age so it isn’t a huge loss. The DSi XL had the poorest sales out of all the DS models, this is due to the fact that around the time of it’s release the 3DS was announced as the next big handheld. I’m pretty sure we all know where this is going. You can pretty much reread the DSi section as the DSi has no new features besides being larger.
The Pros and Cons of the System
Pros:
Bigger Everything: For those with bad eyes or what have you, the DSi XL is massive with screens that dwarf all the previous iterations screens.
Special Editions: The DSi XL has a couple of special edition models which are neat.
Free Stuff: The DSi XL will generally come with two copies of Brain Age and a copy of Flipnote Hatena preinstalled.
Cons:
Expensive: The DSi XL is very expensive, for the price of a DSi XL you may as well go and buy a 3DS as they tend to be $100+
Bigger Everything: Because of the size of the console it is harder to transport as it won’t fit in more pockets like all the previous models, generally you will need some kind of case if you intend to transport it.
Region Locked: The DSi XL is region locked.

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The Verdict:
I’d recommend either the Original Model Nintendo DS or the Nintendo DSi, both are pretty easy to find and provide the most features with the cheapest price-tag. The reason I would recommend them over the Nintendo DS Lite or the Nintendo DSi XL is that the DS Lite is incredibly flimsy and has a high chance of breaking, the DSi XL is just a bigger variant of the regular DSi so you aren’t getting anything extra for the bonus $50-$60 you will wind up paying for it. Ultimately it comes down to what you want in a handheld, the DS Lite is slightly more portable then the regular DS and has the most color choices and special editions out of any model, the DSi XL is big.

 

I’ll just take the one that works.

Mike’s Gameboy Game of the Week: Guardian Heroes Advance

I have some fond memories of the original Guardian Heroes as I played it way back in late 90’s over a friends house, recently with the rerelease of Guardian Heroes for the Xbox 360 I have been able to relive those great memories of a fantastic Beatem’ up’ RPG with many endings and so many paths that it would take many play-throughs to truly enjoy the game. For comparisons sake the closest game to Guardian Heroes is Golden Axe, but the similarities are entirely superficial as unlike Golden Axe Guardian Heroes has a riveting story that changes based on your actions (I’d say both are great in the fighting aspect though.) Seeing is believing I supposed so here’s some gameplay footage of the first stage:

Unlike Golden Axe or any other beatem’ up you may have noticed that the characters don’t move around a three dimensional plane with enemies coming at them from all directions, instead the characters jump through three zones (one in the foreground, one in the middle, and one in the back) this feature while at first seeming ridiculous makes perfect sense from a design standpoint as in Guardian Heroes there are stages where lots of enemies will come at you all at once and being able to quickly jump to another zone out of their range giving a moment to collect yourself before the enemies all hop over. This feature is even more helpful due to the sheer difficulty of the game as mastering hopping from one zone to the other can mean life or death at points.

 

Look at those generic soldiers, think their tough shit jumpin’ out of the way of my lightning.

It would be impossible for me to fully explain to you the sheer depth of the story of this game with it’s many plot twists, undead, demons, gods, murder, and vampire clowns, however I can tell you this, you can play as any character you defeat in versus mode (in the Xbox 360 version you can play online as well).

Oh yes, even bosses.

Now that you have some grasp of the basic premise of Guardian Heroes lets talk about its sequel Guardian Heroes Advance.

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Guardian Heroes Advance takes things a little differently, it does away with the whole zone nonsense and allows you to move about a three dimensional plane, it also added a homing jump (a jump that automatically takes you to whatever the nearest platform is) and platforming elements to mix things up. It also did away the path choosing element of the previous game where you instead move along a linear path towards the ending of the game, luckily though there are two endings so it guarantee’s you at least two playthroughs. Not one of the things that makes up for it is how much depth they added to the combat system with the addition of a counter that can nullify damage and larger move pools for all characters.

Honestly what more could you want?

Of all the characters though the main three Enn, Ray, and who cares because they are all identical and their stats are the only major differences between them, have the largest move pools with different possible attack combos based on directional movements and how long you hold down the attack button. I personally like the addition of a ground pound attack that does area damage. Magic which in the previous game could only be executed by certain button combos (like a haduken) was a tad hard to pull off when a bunch of enemies were punching you in the face Advance fixes this problem by making it so that magic is charges and selected using the shoulder buttons making it a lot easier to pop-off magic spells when you need them.

The change was pretty shocking.

Now Guardian Heroes Advance follows the adventure of the Undead hero from the first game as he is revived by taking over the body of whichever generic main character you chose to start with. You are immediately tasked with saving the world from the Sky Kingdom as they hope to take over the world and create the “Ultimate Warrior”.

I honestly don’t know why though…

So you battle through stages fighting many enemies and eventually you wind up fighting the cast from the previous series who are apparently being controlled by the Sky Kingdom. You beat them and depending on certain conditions you get one of two endings after fighting the final boss. Now the real fun of this game comes after you have beaten it. Remember how earlier I said that in Guardian Heroes you could play as any character in versus mode? Well in Guardian Heroes Advance you can play as ANY character in both versus mode and story mode. So long after you’ve seen the ending of the games you can go back and decide to play as the best mage in the game and just spam uber-spells murdering all of the things.

The didn’t know what hit them.

I haven’t really touched on what versus mode is yet have I? Well in both games it is a feature in which up to twelve characters (be they human or CPU) can all duke it out. This means that you can either have twelve of the baddest bosses pounding on each other of just one tackling a whole bunch of the weakest enemies and utterly destroying them (or losing somehow [it happens oddly enough]). In versus mode you get to assign stats to each character based on the level cap you have chosen and they can either be preset stat distributions or you can set them however you want, this can amount to hours of amusement.

Dance my puppets, DANCE!

I found that Guardian Heroes Advance doesn’t easily appeal to many people due to the fact that a majority of the mythos of the game is lost upon a person who hasn’t played the first game. Guardian Heroes Advance is a must have for anyone who liked the first game and for anyone who is a diehard fan of Beatem’ Ups. The game has memorable characters and a decent soundtrack, the graphics are alright for a Gameboy Advance game, the controls are amazing, and you can play as any character in the game after you’ve killed them. Seriously, what isn’t there to love? To add even more incentive the game is fairly inexpensive. So why not pick a copy now? You can also grab a copy of the original game off the Xbox Live Arcade for 800 MS points if you don’t have a Sega Saturn.

Mike’s Gameboy Game of the Week: Tailspin

Let it be known throughout all of the internet that I was a child of the late 90’s and I watched many an awful cartoon show, one of which was Disneys “Tailspin” which is a show in which Baloo from The Jungle Book is an airplane pilot where he clearly isn’t paid enough for the trouble he routinely deals with. Some other recurring characters were Shere Khan who is a big business dude and Louie who is… the owner of a bar? This show apparently garnered enough popularity to merit several games two of which are by Capcom for the Gameboy and NES and the others are by both Sega and NEC for the Genesis, GameGear and Turbografx-16 respectively.

This is the greatest marketing decision by Disney ever.

So my first impression of this game when I picked it up at my local gamestore for a dollar was that it would most likely be an awful game due to it being based off a television show and it being on the Gameboy which was notorious for it’s massive amount of mediocre and bad games. I spied on the cart that it was developed by Capcom which honestly gave me mixed feelings as Capcom did produce Darkwing Duck, Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers, and Ducktales games that were all amazing. Upon getting home I popped the game into my Super Gameboy and started it up and much to my surprise it was a port of the NES Tailspin game.

Even on the Gameboy people don’t know how to use inside voices.

Playing the game was a different story, the controls weren’t as responsive as they were on the NES but once I adjusted to them (took about 20 minutes at most) I didn’t have much of a problem. If you have not played the NES version of this game then let me explain what the point of it is:

You are Baloo the cargo pilot for “Higher for Hire” and you are being sent to deliver cargo to nondescript destinations.

Pretty simple right? Well for a game with only six levels you can bet your boots that it works just fine for the game as a premise. The game plays like a space shooter where you pilot the “Sea Duck” which can only fire one round at a time and cannot fire again until the shot either leaves the screen or connects with something (you can increase the amount of shots with upgrades later on). Shot direction is also determined by up and down movement as the plane tilts in each direction respectively when you are moving. Firing shots can be awkward at first and in my opinion is incredibly annoying but you can get used to it after a while. Aside from just shooting things you can grab up cargo crates which according to the intro are remnants of other cargo planes which have been shot down, also you can flip the plane upside down and head backwards same rules apply with all movement and shooting.

Seems legit. :/

Something unique to the game is the addition of bonus stages hidden in each level where you switch from playing as Baloo to playing as Kit Cloudkicker his spunky sidekick where you pop balloons while surfing on clouds. The balloons give out a decent amount of points and generally can give you the push you need for an extra life.

COOLEST. THING. EVER.

At the end of each stage is a boss fight, the boss fights weren’t exactly challenging but were interesting. The designs for each boss are neat and if the battles didn’t shoot by so quickly I would have liked to have seen them do more then their two or three standard attacks. Once you’ve beaten the boss you get a brief reprieve where you can buy power-ups for the plane with the money you earned by collecting cargo strewn throughout the level, this I didn’t know my first time through as I avoided many pieces of cargo and lost some easy money.

I swear this had best be the best engine I’ve ever invested my blood money in.

In my opinion this game is worth a look if you can’t get ahold of the NES version the animations are not nearly as nice as they are on the NES, the only reason I would recommend this game is if you want a portable version of the game or if you want to give the bonus stages a try. Tailspin for the Gameboy isn’t spectacular but for the price I paid I’d say it was more then worth it, if you can get this game for a couple of bucks I’d recommend you get it.

You can’t argue with a tagline like that.

ChuChu Rocket - A Quick Look (GBA/DC)

With the advent of the Dreamcast it brought the concept of online gaming to the world and with that the first truly online game, ChuChu Rocket. ChuChu Rocket is a puzzle game released on February 29, 2000 to the North American audience and rereleased on June 10, 2001 for the Gameboy Advance with only minor alterations. ChuChu Rocket was lauded at the time for being the first online game and for a brief stint was given away for free with a purchase of a Sega Dreamcast in Europe. The sheer popularity of the game at the time inevitably resulted in the GBA port, aside from the obvious lack of internet play the port allowed for up to four players to participate in puzzle battles with only a single cartridge, another thing the game contained was over 25,000 puzzle previously created by the online user-base for the Dreamcast version.

ChuChu Rocket as a puzzle game revolves around guiding mice (named ChuChus) to their rocket ships, the obstacles they need to overcome are KapuKapus (Cat’s), pitfalls, and walls. You guide the ChuChu’s by placing arrow panels down to change the direction in which they are traveling, however the KapuKapus will also change the direction they are traveling if they happen to pass over an arrow. Ultimately each puzzle requires a good deal of forethought such as…

See the above example? With three panels you need to get both sets of ChuChu’s to the ship in the center of the Dreamcast logo. Not all puzzles are as difficult, in actuality some are quite easy like the example below…

As you can see all that was needed to complete the puzzle was the placement of a single arrow.

As charming as the single player modes are the real fun in the game lies within it’s multiplayer modes. In multiplayer mode your obejective to get the most mice in your Rocket Ship and to direct as many Kapu’s into your opponents Rockets as quick as you can. The gameplay can be hectic but incredibly fun and rewarding…

The video above is a good example of what a multiplayer match look(ed)s like, as not long after the above recording the SEGAnet servers were shut down and to date there haven’t been any private servers for the Dreamcast version. In the video you will notice the Kapu’s and Chu’s all going every which way and each player attempting to drive them into their rocket by slapping arrow panels everywhere, things can get pretty crazy. The ultimate objective of any match is to get the most Chu’s, both the GBA version and the Dreamcast version have this and it can be rewarding as much as it is crazy. Both versions of the game can provide hours of enjoyment either alone or with friends, and for those looking for a more modern version an iOS port was recently released which boasts “HD” graphics and what not. I highly recommend this game to any puzzle fan as the game can really get you thinking.

Let’s Play a Game! Earthbound Zero Part 0: Prologue

Prior to my delivering a flying elbow to this game (I like to think this is an appropriate metaphor for making a let’s play) lets take a look at the history of the game in which I will be playing, Earthbound Zero. Earthbound Zero or as it was originally going to be called “Earthbound” is the first of a series of games by Shigesato Itoi called Mother. Outside of Japan Mr.Itoi is really only known for his work on the Super Nintendo game Earthbound however in Japan he is known not only for the Mother series but for his numerous essays and for his personal website (it’s in Japanese by the way) in which he posts news and essays on his views of current events. Believe it or not the title Earthbound Zero did not always include “Zero” in its name, this was later added by the a fan-translation group called Demiforce. Demiforce originally was planning on translating the entire game themselves before they got a hold of the official English rom and changed the title to say “Earthbound Zero. (An interview with them can be read here).
Now you may be wondering, “Hey how could there be an official English translation of the game if it was never released stateside?” Well you wonderfully beautiful person, it was going to be released and even had some advertising behind it (Here's an ad from Nintendo Power). Earthbound Zero was slated for release and had been fully translated by Nintendo of America around mid-1990 and was slated to come out in 1991. Tragedy struck in the form of the Super Nintendo, Nintendo of America decided it would not be cost effective to release the game while a new system was slated for release and put the game on an indefinite hold. Around 1998 evidence of prototype cartridges of the cancelled Earthbound game came to light with the first one being what I’m going to be playing. To this day only four known copies exist though there is some speculation that there may be a fifth floating around somewhere. So there, now you have some history on this game and we can now Segway into the actual lets play.

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I’m liking it thus far. Lets push start and get this thing started! :o

Picking slot one!

A lesser person would name him something like “Butt’s” or something but being that I am a constant professional in all things I will keep all of the characters official names and what not.

Ninten? I’m presuming his last name must be Doh. :D

Yes I realize it only has one “N” in it, and yes I know Anna isn’t supposed to be spelled that way. This is motherflipin’ Earthbound things don’t have to make sense!

I wonder if he will wind up having any space adventures. :/

I am absolutely honored to be fighting alongside our 26th president. I’m pretty certain that he should be the main character though, maybe I should write a letter to Mr.Itoi asking him if they made a mistake, as a complete BAMF like Teddy Roosevelt shouldn’t be playing second-fiddle.

The food of only the most masculine of men.

Yes, yes it is okay. If it wasn’t I wouldn’t have gone through all this trouble.

They should have called up Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully to look into this, I’m pretty sure they would have figured out what went down in a timely fashion. :o

Sounds like he’d been in Las Vegas all this time. After all what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, or something like that. Maria probably hooked up with some rich go-getter and left George in the dust.

I like where this is going…
 
Ok cool, just dropping me into the game. I’m fine without any formal introduction to my location, I’ll just do what Mulder and Scully would want me to do, INVESTIGATE! …and blame the government.

Alright so the only two notable pieces of furniture in my room are both cool, nothing unusual about them. Guess I’ll have to take my investigations elsewhere.

Um, hey lamp, you know you are supposed to be an inanimate object right? I also investigated you and my conclusion was that there was “No Problem” therefore you should not be spazzing out and moving around my room.

Dafuq!

Um. Excuse me, but could you stop coming closer to me Lamp? I would greatly appreciate it if you stopped menacing me with your oddly toothy grin from a mouth you just suddenly acquired.

Looks like I have to fight my lamp, I thought this only happened on St.Patrick's day or Mardi Gras. Whatever… time for a breakdown of how battle works!

• Fight: Is a Standard Attack with whatever weapon is equipped or lack there of
• PSI: opens up a sub-menu wherein you can choose any Psychic powers you’ve acquired/learned
• Goods: opens up a sub-menu where you can use any items you have on you
• Check: Examines the enemy and give you it’s stats and condition
• Auto: Lets the computer do all the work
• Guard: Defends for that turn
• Run: You Attempt to run away from the fight

So lets murder ourselves a lamp!

Damn right I did!

I can tell this will take a while. :/


That household appliance won’t be drawing near anyone else anytime soon!

That was oddly amusing. Onwards and upwards I guess.

Now I’m in a hallway. I’ll door number one for $200.

Dear lord not again…


“Oh my! Brother, our house is falling apart! Boohoo!”
Yeah, I kinda figured that out already. Do you have anything productive to tell me?
“Nope.”
Of course. Well I guess I should check the next room.

Curse my need to explore.

“Help me!”
Okay. What am I helping you with?
“KILL THE EVIL DOLL THAT’S FLOATING AROUND MY ROOM!”
Whoa, calm down there buddy, I’m sure you’re just overreacting. I totes encountered a couple of lamps that were clearly possessed by some sort of evil demon. If anything my investigation has proved that lamps are the most evil household objects.

Oh, that’s not creepy at all. Wait…



This is quite possibly the most evil thing I’ve seen in my life. It must be destroyed.

Two hits? I’ve fought lamps stronger than this!

You know what it was? Aliens. I’m sure the government will be by sooner or later to try covering this up.

I’m skeptic of examining the very thing that tried brutally murdering me earlier, but I’m certain nothing will be out of the ordinary.

Oh, alright. This is interesting, but I must wonder why a music box would be inside a doll. I also would like to bring into question why is it that it wasn’t until this moment that we realized it was inside the doll. Surely someone would have noticed the bulging noise making device long before it was brought to life and tried to go on a murderous rampage :/

Whooooooaaaaaaaaaa!
 
I feel that this must be a plot point.

Of course! Smashing inanimate objects always makes me parched! Well I have a feeling that for now I do not have to go and smash anymore of the things in what I assume must be my house (if what that girl said can be trusted), so I’ll head downstairs now.

No expense is to great when it comes to room furnishing.

“Ninten. Are you alright?” 
Yeah, no thanks to you. I didn’t see you up there battling it out with evil lamps and malefic dolls.
“Egad! What is happening to our house?”
Was the house built on an Indian burial ground? If so then you have your answer right there.
“I wish your dad were here now. Maybe…”
Well he’s not so we have to make the bes-
“TELEPHONE! Ninten, please get it!”
Fine, but if it attacks me I’m out of here.

“It’s your dad.”
That’s a pretty odd way to introduce yourself.
“Well… It seems like a poltergeist.”
What seems like a poltergeist?
“I’m not exactly sure how to… But, your great-grand-father studied PSI.”
What? You aren’t making any sense!
“You might find something in the basement to help.”
Ooookay.
“But, I left the basement Key Someplace… can’t remember exactly where…”
Dammit all! What kind of person hides the key to a room in their own house and forgets where it is!?
“Anyhow, son, you are my only hope. It’s time for you to go on a little adventure, and explore the potential of your powers.”
Wut?
“Powers not to be taken lightly. Whomp, go for it!! But remember to come back and check on our family.”
Wait, what is “Whomp”? What powers? Why do I have to go on an adventure? Explain old man, EXPLAIN!!!
“Bye. Phone me when you want to save. Call me whenever.” *slam*
Buh… Guess I better find that key… Time to recheck everything in the house!


If it’s not inside so it must be outside. I bet it’s hidden in the doghouse, that’s a rational place to hide it.

Oooookay. So then where could it be? Maybe, just maybe…

No… no way.

“Tell you a secret. Why don’t you CHECK me out?”
I’ll pass. I’m not into that kind of stuff. I do however have a question for you, how is it that I can converse with animals?
“Bow wow.”
Mother-fffffffffffffffffffine. Whatever.

I… I don’t know what to make of this. However I do know that now I can get into the basement.  TO THE BASMENT!

I bet there is going to be a bitchin’ Foosball table or some sort of old Billiards table.

Well, this isn’t exactly what I was expecting. At least there are presents?

Bread, a plastic bat, and a diary, who leaves bread as a present?  I guess I should focus on checking out this diary though…

“The Diary was hard to read, but opened up to this page…
(Password)
….The one who lost the tail. The Forgotten one… the ship that sails… “
Cool. I guess this will be important later. Welp, lets blow this pop stand!

“Son of mine, you are braver than I thought.”
Was it the fighting off of murderous household items that tipped you off?
“I can’t let you go on a journey so famished. I’ll cook Prime Rib.”
B-but I want to start my adventure now!

Pffft other mothers would jump at the opportunity to let their sons throw themselves into danger.

---

Will Ninten do as his father says and go on an adventure to discover and harness his “powers”, and just what is this “PSI” Nintens great-grandfather was researching? Check back at some future point in time for answers to these questions*. *Answers to questions are subject to the plot and may or may not be answered or be completely forgotten in lieu of a pointless romantic subplot or several hours of level grinding in order to defeat random enemies who happen to be ten levels higher then the players party.