Die Hard (NES)

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Here we go again: the holiday season! You've only got a few days left to wrap those gifts, gang! In order to take your mind off of the holiday doldrums, here's a game that is very peripherally related to Christmas. For some reason that I can't fathom, there really aren't that many games appropriate for the holidays. Aside from the bible games on the Nintendo and the occasional PC game hack or add-on that adds Santa hats to everything from Lemmings to Team Fortress snipers - there really isn't much in the Christmas game department. So here I am plumbing the limited well of Die Hard games to celebrate our snowy season!

So when we last left our grizzled hero John McClane: he was trudging through the original trilogy of Die Hard flicks in 1996's "Die Hard Trilogy" for the Playstation. A game that I recommended only based on the relatively low price point and the fact that you get 3 different games in 1 which was a novel idea and you could tell that the programmers really tried with that game. That game didn't hold up over the years but the NES is timeless, right? Surely this game should hold up much better than the pixelly, polygonal mess of sludgy Playstation-era gaming.

It's no mystery that movie licensed games are hit-or-miss and perhaps no system has more misses than the NES. Lethal Weapon, Total Recall, Terminator, Jaws, Rambo, Platoon, Friday the 13th: these are all games that I hold some quirky nostalgia for, but are ultimately terrible cash-ins. That being said, any of the Capcom Disney games were usually a success and Taito did a decent job with the Hannah Barbera stuff. Hell, even Willow was decently executed. So the question is: can Activision do what LJN, Bandai, or Sony Imagesoft were unable to do? Can they actually make a true-to-cinema representation of Die Hard?

Yes.

and No.

err...maybe.

...and figure out what this buffoon is actually trying to say!

Ok, let's get this right out of the way because it's necessary to put this game into context. This game is hard. I'm not just talking "Nintendo hard," this game is an unrelenting hail of bullets coming straight at your face. When I do these reviews I usually either tackle games that I've already beaten or gotten far enough along that I could easily give you guys and gals the gist of the entire experience. This game is so taxing that I have to admit - I had no choice but to call in the Genie. That's right: I'm a cheap, tawdry, tart in a pink tu-tu. A filthy, no good, down-and-out cheater. You may not respect me in the morning, but at least I got past the first floor. Let's continue.

So many objects on the screen that my NES is having a seizure!

Stylistically speaking, this game is very reminiscent of Alien Syndrome meets Gauntlet. A top-down perspective shooter where it's you versus 40 terrorists. The objectives are such: defeat all of the 40 terrorists, free the hostages on the thirtieth floor, knock out the security computer on floor 5 and defeat Hans the mastermind. So far, so good. The game takes many elements from the film and doesn't add a lot of useless, nonsensical fluff like most movie and tv tie-in games. There aren't pacman ghosts, spiders, dragons or anything that John McClane wouldn't have reasonably faced in the movie. Broken glass is one of the only main obstacles outside of gun-toting thugs and even that has a connection to the film.

                                              God Bless Youtube. Video by user ccnipper


So overall, one could argue that the game is a decent film tie-in based on the relative accuracy, the decently rendered cutscene graphics, and the fast action. However, the difficulty level of the game really mars the enjoyment level. Enemies pop out of dark corners from seemingly nowhere and will fire off bullets in all directions like a "bullet hell" style Shmup. They have a seemingly endless supply of bullets and have no trouble hitting you with most of them. YOU on the other hand are saddled with being able to shoot in awkward 90 or 45 degree angles with no real fluidity or finesse. This is predictable and expected of an NES game, but why can't the enemies be saddled with similar restraints. Or better yet, why can't the easy mode be easier? One of the only main differences between the two modes of easy or difficult is the randomization of floors. There are plenty of powerups in the game that can heal your hitpoints or foot power, but getting past the enemies and to a vending machine or medkit can be a struggle in and of itself - coupled with the fact that any corner that isn't in your immediate periphery is blacked out until you reach it.

Monkey statues = awesome

Another main downfall of the game is that the replayability level is relatively low. Unlike similarly oriented action games such as Zombies Ate My Neighbors, Alien Syndrome, Smash TV, or The Immortal: there's just not much variety waiting around the next corner. One relatively stale office room or boardroom after another, filled with tough to kill, generic bad guys, and no real room traps aside from the ability to accidentally plummet out of the windows or run into some broken glass and cut your tootsies up. In all of the other aforementioned games, there's danger, excitement, surprises around the corner. Here, there's a bearded bad guy movie cliche' on a two-way radio that gives you the heads up that more nondescript goons are coming to drain the last of your limited ammo and health.

But all of the gauze in the world won't cure his athlete's foot!

Overall, Die Hard is a reasonably successful game. If a challenge is what you're looking for, you will get that in spades. It doesn't have the deepest plot in the world, but neither did the movie. As Todd Snider once said in his song "Tension," "After the bad guy killed off all of the underdeveloped characters, the good guy put a bullet right through his head." The graphics are definitely serviceable, the music is a little grating at times but not a tragedy of Color Dreams proportions, and the fact that the game sticks relatively close to the film without veering off into the no man's land of nonsense game developer fantasies (I'm looking at YOU Nightmare on Elm Street) all add up to a licensed game that isn't perfect but definitely has promise. It's better than Dick Tracy, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Gilligan's Island, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, The Karate Kid, Best of the Best, and Platoon, so that's saying something. It's a bit on the pricier side (being an uncommon title) but would be a good action game to have for any NES collector. Happy Holidays and Yippie Ki Yay, Lukie Gamers!

Adventures in Unlicensed Games: Spiritual Warfare (NES, Gameboy)

Well gang, it's Christmas time! Today we'll be discussing Wisdom Tree's "Spiritual Warfare" for the NES. I had a fun time reviewing it - it's a pretty wacky game with a crazy premise. I know that Bible games have been done to death online, the Angry Video Game Nerd did four excellent episodes on the matter, and they can be a touchy subject for a few - but in this review I'm tackling a game that actually has a few great highlights. While it's not the best game in the world, it has its merits. I poke a little fun but am not out to hurt anyone's feelings so I've reeled the unabashed sarcasm in a bit. Hope you guys & gals enjoy and have a safe and happy holiday!
- Chris

The term "spiritual warfare" evokes many images in the mind. Take for example: The Crusades. A bloody chunk of history where religious wars raged in the late 1000's up until nearly the 1300's. How about the battle that has raged in the Middle East between Palestinians and Jews for as far back as anyone can remember? In truth, people have been killing one another over beliefs shortly after the first two people looked up at the night sky observing the majesty of the cosmos and disagreed vehemently on how and/or why it came into existence. That's perhaps a bit of an oversimplification; often politics, land disputes, economics and the rise and fall of empires have more to do with supposed religious warfare than simply the opponent's deity of choice. It is, however, a motivation when it comes to conflict between nations, sects, tribes, etc.

A quick Google search of the term "spiritual warfare" also brings up a much different meaning - a blanket war against evil. It could be as simple as the spiritual conflicts within one's self - IE: the kind of stuff that Ronnie James Dio would sing about. More often than not it's a term that describes the actions of die-hard, unwavering, radically conservative Christian leaders (the kind that really seemed to spring up in the early 80's with folks like Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swaggert, Jerry Fallwell, and the Bakkers.) The kinda folks who would tell you that your kids can't watch Teletubbies because Tinky-Winky is a symbol for gay pride, or that Harry Potter is a Satanic abomination and an icon for the Occult. Spiritual warfare is about keeping out "evil influences" in order to live a better life. So hide your Quija boards, Marilyn Manson records, skateboards, black clothing, and video games because the fun police just arrived!

That is, unless your video games are made by developer Wisdom Tree! Wisdom Tree is a small independent game development house that would make Christian themed games that would be sold in Christian bookstores. An interesting fact is that Wisdom Tree is a branch of game developer Color Dreams which also released such wholesome games as "Robodemons" and "Menace Beach" (but I'll save those wonderful games for another time.) Wisdom Tree, Color Dreams, and Bunch Games (another branch of C.D.) have a reputation for putting out sub par games that had to be released unlicensed, presumably because Nintendo had fairly strict content policies and religious references were certainly one of them - as well as policies against games that consistently look like they were made by a third grader. Nevertheless, Wisdom Tree released the game Spiritual Warfare in 1992. This is the kind of game that Stewart from "Beavis and Butthead" or the Flanders kids from "The Simpsons" would have loved!

They don't look too eager to hear
"the good news."

The first thing you'll notice if you've played any of the other Wisdom Tree games is that the graphics aren't all that bad. They are certainly a marked improvement over some of the old Color Dreams games like Robodemons. Also, with most of these Wisdom Tree games you have the joy of guessing which game (Color Dreams or popular licensed game) that this game is trying to emulate. In the case of Bible Adventures, the game plays a lot like Super Mario Bros. 2. Some of the Wisdom Tree games like Sunday Funday are just retooled versions of older Color Dreams games. In the case of Spiritual Warfare, it's an awful lot like Legend of Zelda. Let's face it, there's a lot worse games that you could base your knock-off game on and for the most part Wisdom Tree does a good job. Remember the old man who would give you advice, items, etc? Well, here it's an angel and you trade in doves as currency for different varieties of the "fruit of spirit." The menu screen looks similar, the level design and perspectives are similar, and overall the game has some of the fun elements of Zelda without some of the frustrating difficulty.

Look kids! It's...kinda like...Zelda?

So what is the aim of Spiritual Warfare, you ask? To convert the dirty, wicked heathens in your neighborhood and collect the six pieces of the "Armor of God." These pieces of armor are scattered around the game and collecting them will help you access otherwise inaccessible areas. For an unlicensed game, there are actually quite a few different kinds of enemies - though it's often a mystery why they need saving. Sure, the gang members carrying around switchblades certainly could use a little guidance at the very least. But why is the kid with the basketball committing a sin? The kid playing hide and seek? The boy with the ice cream bar? Construction workers? What sins are these people committing that they are in such need of a spiritual awakening? I suppose that's the blessing and curse (some puns intended) of having so many different enemies is that they don't entirely make sense. I suppose if everyone were a thug, a drunk, and a prostitute this game would feel very lazy. At least half or better of the enemies in the early parts of the game can be saved with one quick toss of a "fruit of Spirit." The further you advance in the game, the more you should upgrade you fruit in order to convert those who need a little "extra convincing." Those who instead spit a demon out of their heads will take an extra piece of fruit or perhaps a vial of God's wrath. That's right. A little boy running around trying to preach the gospel carries around vials of God's wrath that he can toss at strangers like a bomb and turn them into doves. I think this kid is taking "spiritual warfare" a little too literally. This ain't 'Nam, this is suburbia! Overall though, the gameplay is actually kind of fun if you get into it.

Perhaps it's not the most religiously tolerant way of going about things...

Every once in a while an angel will come down from the sky and test your Biblical trivia. For the most part these questions are a cinch even to those fairly unfamiliar with the stories in the Bible. Basically, your best bet is to guess the most "common sense" guess imaginable. Sure, there are a handful of comical answers you can provide but just assume that Satan didn't say that it's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven. The benefit of answering these Sunday school questions is to gain more doves, thus being able to afford more powerful fruit against the infidels you're supposed to be saving.

I said, "What does Pontius Pilate look like?!"

Not unlike the other Wisdom Tree games, there are a handful of frustrating moments in this game. For starters, if you instinctively know which direction you should be heading then the game is rather linear. However, if not - you can find yourself walking around in circles. I played the game three times before I bothered to talk to the boy with the balloon and grab the belt underground instead of walking around aimlessly blowing up gangsters and sugar-high children with God's mighty wrath. It's easier to get lost in the city, especially with the construction workers blocking your path and just how big the city really is. Friendly advice - don't go to the bar. Not even if you want a Pepsi and your intentions are simply to convert the wicked drunks inside. You'll be chastised by an irate angel and he'll steal your gear. Oh, and this can lead to  areas where you can get trapped. I don't really know how I did it, but I believe it was in the suburbs area where I went through a little maze and blocked myself in with falling pillars. I didn't go and recollect my belt of truth before entering the room and couldn't move the pillars, blow them up, or anything else. I had a "pray" option in my menu but it didn't do much good. For a kid who can throw around God's wrath willy-nilly, he sure doesn't have a direct enough line to the big man to help him out of a pickle like that. Another problem which, let's face it, many NES games suffered from is annoying music. The first time you hear that valiant and triumphant hymnal - it pumps you up for some religiously fueled justice. However, by minute 10 you're tired of hearing this song and have to mute the game lest you go insane. Though truth be told, and I know this is heresy (puns intended,) but the original Zelda theme can get grating at times as well. The other sound effects are decent enough - the bomb explosion is actually really impressive for a game that would otherwise be classed by some as a D-list knock-off game.

"So if I chuck this pear at a gang member, he's gonna see the light?"

So how does Spiritual Warfare stack up overall? The premise is insane and more than mildly offensive to non-Christians if you break it down to its core concept, the music is grating at best, but overall it's a game that's hard to put down. Unlike some of the other unlicensed games I have this is one that I keep coming back to! The gameplay is fairly solid (because it's essentially a watered down Zelda) and while it has some level of challenge, it's easy enough to pick up and play for a half hour and kill some time. I would recommend this game (and not even in an entirely ironic way, either.) Folks like me are bound to enjoy it for the absurdity and mildly disturbing premise (and it's the kind of game Moral Orel would be crazy for!) Folks who are more religiously minded might find this a good game for their children. Do I think that blowing up non-believers with the wrath of God is a great message for children? Heck no. However, if you want your children to pick up some bible study questions and stimulate them with a video game in the process, this just might do the trick.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town (DS)

Santa Claus is Coming’ to town is a video game adaption of the Rankin Bass Holiday special, if you have not heard of the film nor Rankin Bass (which is doubtful I hope) you should stop reading this and go watch the special. The special can probably be viewed on Netflix or if you go to any superstore you can probably pick up the DVD. Now you go and watch that, I won’t go anywhere, promise, okay I’ll see you when you are done.

Alright, you all set? Good. Santa Claus is Coming to Town for the DS is essentially nothing more then a plethora of mini-games, these mini-games can be played as stand alone little games or you are presented the option of playing an “Adventure” mode which essentially is broken down into short talking sequences with mini-games laced between them. Now I know what you are thinking at this point, “Well Mike there is no possible way this game could be any good or accurate right?” Well dear readers I can assure you that this game is far from bad, at worst the game is mediocre which is still a far cry from Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde.

Seriously, fuck this game I rather dislike this game.

I think it’s prudent that before I move on I make it known to everyone that over the course of this game you will hear “Santa Claus is coming to Town” playing constantly in the background. Seriously. I’ll admit it plays at a low enough volume that it doesn’t feel to obtrusive, though it gives the game a similar feel to walking through a super market during the holidays at first, eventually though it just becomes white noise. An alternative to listening to the music in the background is shutting it off through the options menu, but in my opinion it isn’t worth it as you won’t notice it after a while of playing.

The game’s story is identical to that of the holiday special sans Fred Astaire (due to a legal matter of course). You start the game off as Special Delivery Man Kluger who opens up by telling you the story of Santa’s origins from there you get to more or less experience the film entirely through text and mini-games. You also get to play the game from two alternative perspective’s which I guess adds more depth to the story(?).

Please Meister of all Burgers, rear this child to be so good with burgers that one day he may become a Burger Meister.

Mini-game wise the good ones are all platformers while the others are really shallow coloring games or “singing” games. Platforming wise there are three games in total and all of which are very straight forward and don’t require much to beat as all you do in each game is jump and it’s impossible to die or time out. All of the other games are incredibly shallow but for the age demographic (5-8 year olds?) the game is tailored to the mini-games are probably appealing as they consist of coloring games, a game where you get to dress-up and take care of topper (Santa’s pet penguin), seek and find games, mazes, and a memory match game among others. Ultimately the games are nothing to shake a stick at but for what they are the mini-games are solid in their own rights and aren’t blighted by poor controls or glitches.

It reminds me so much of Pitfall.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town isn’t (in my opinion) a game in the traditional sense, if anything it’s an accompaniment to the special where it contains some games based on the film and a mode which contains little descriptions of the characters  (which solidifies my point). The game is entirely Christmas themed and as such it is by no merit a game which will pull you to play it during any other time then the winter months, though I think this is the games biggest selling point and the main defining reason to actually play it. Santa Claus is Coming to Town is the kind of game where when you are feeling in a particularly festive mood it provides one with an outlet for that festivity in the form of its simple mini-games and Christmas soundtrack, it also helps that it is designed after the Rankin Bass film which has become a regular holiday special.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town is by no means a game worth investing in unless you have either children or you personally feel the need for a video game themed outlet for any overburdening Christmas spirit you may have; my biggest gripe about the game is that Fred Astaire’s puppet isn’t present and they instead replaced him with a puppet which looks nothing like him, this is a personal issue and by no means should it impact your feelings on the game unless you are a purist when it comes to adaptions of movies. Santa Claus is Coming to Town is a decent little Christmas game which you can pick up and play during the holidays, if you aren’t interested in mini-games you can pick up the Wii version which is a platformer where you collect snowflakes and deliver presents (it also features voice-acting :o ).

Also there’s Flute Hero.

Fun Fact: Fred Astaire isn’t in either game because upon his death he placed it in his will that he didn’t want any person or entity to use his personage as he was sure they would misinterpret his character or some other nonsense.

Have a Happy Holidays/Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/etc.

 

Christmas Nights (Saturn)

...in 1996, Sega released a 2 level demo called Christmas Nights. Christmas Nights was available exclusively as a Blockbuster game rental or through magazines and game bundles. While it would have been nice to have a full-fledged, 6 level, stand-alone Christmas version of Nights (because, let's face it - there are far too few holiday games,) it's great to have a few levels to play with and get into the holiday mood!

Christmas Nights starts off with its own unique cutscene that sets up the plot (presumably after the events of the original Nights) where Claris and Elliot are Christmas shopping, waltzing through the hustle and bustle when they notice that something is terribly wrong. Alas, the star is missing from the top of the Christmas tree in their town square. This time, we are treated to voice-over work that at least describes these events so we have some idea of what's going on. At the end of the opening cutscene, however, we're given the same wacky, convoluted, shoddy, non storytelling that leaves us only to assume that the two are off to Nightopia again to rescue the missing star. Who asked them to do this? Why couldn't they just buy another at Walmart? Is anyone in town concerned about the star in the first place? Sure, there's the cop-out outro with the whole "it's all a dream" bit , but these questions don't get satisfactorily answered and I guess they're better left unasked.

They're like 5 bucks. Aisle 6 - next to the Tinsel.

How do the graphics and sound rate? The graphics are more or less identical - However, we're treated to holiday themed levels and enemy sprites! Depending on when your Sega Saturn's clock is set for dictates the kind of decorations and sprite designs you'll see scattered throughout the two levels. I rented this game just after Christmas and returned it the day after New Year's Eve, so I got to see the Christmas elements of the game in full force. During Christmas time the enemies have festive Santa gear on and the music is changed to an awesome Muzaky version of Jingle Bells. There's Christmas bells, wreaths instead of rings and even the serpent enemy is changed into a delightfully candy-caney festive badguy! Essentially the first level of Christmas Nights is just Spring Valley turned Christmas-y but I won't deny that it gets me into a jolly mood. The music is festive, the graphics are great as always and this game is likely to make even the Grinchiest Grinch's heart grow 2-sizes when they play it.

So...much...Christmas!

There are some other neat features about Christmas Nights aside from just some "Jingle Bells" and badguys in festive clothing. As mentioned before, the internal clock of your Saturn dictates some of what goes on in Christmas Nights. While December is reserved for "Christmas Nights" mode, the chilly months before and after are part of the Winter Nights section where there's simply snow and a few other festive touches. Having had the rental version over the New Years Eve holiday I noticed some changes to the game that took advantage of that as well. Also, you can play as Nights' nemesis Reala on April Fool's Day! The game also has some unlockable features like concept art and the ability to play as Sonic the Hedgehog! See, I told you I'd get back to that.

I only have a few minor gripes about Christmas Nights. For starters, it really would have been nice to have a full fledged retail Christmas Nights game - but I imagine it was rushed out seeing as it was released the same year that Nights: Into Dreams was. At least a few more levels would have helped this game have more replay value. Also, it's nice that there is narration in the cutscenes (and I really like the Christmas picture-book art style they chose for them) but they should have really done a few more takes of the voice-over work before shipping it out. I'm sorry, but the narrator sounds like she's nodding off after kicking a six year smack habit. Perhaps they tracked it the night after Thanksgiving to ship out in a few days and she's in a turkey coma. Whatever the case may be, a few more takes in the studio could have made for a better intro/outro.

Christmas Nights was a really fun demo that helped to get me in the holiday mood. While it's a whole lot of fun, I would highly recommend picking up the original Nights: Into Dreams first - as there's much more replay value to be had. Plus, you can find Nights right now at Lukie games - good luck trying to find a decent copy of Christmas Nights, however.