8-bit Board Games Pt.1: Pictionary (NES)

Well, the holidays are now here! Some of you guys and gals are outta school/university for at least a week or two and some of ya'll might even be off of work in the next few days! Lucky. With the holidays and New Year's Eve fast approaching, you've got to get your last minute ducks in a row before the parties begin! I'm not talking about the kind with all of your aunts, uncles and cousins either! I'm talking about the parties where far too much egg-nog is consumed, your brother mixes up a batch of his "special brownies," and your best friend's wife is sitting in the corner discussing the pros and cons of the G.O.P nominees with the floor lamp. She always was a dingbat.

With holiday parties coming up, you have to decide what kind of party you're going to throw this year. Is it going to be that same, tired old party where you set out a bowl of mixed nuts and a cheese platter, put on some "Christmas with Kenny G," and nurse a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon until the ringing of jingle bells stops in your head? Perhaps you'll bust out some cards or board games and entertain your guests with the hilarity and wit of Trivial Pursuit the 1982 edition. I've got a suggestion that'll totally knock the stockings off your mantel - steal a page from the hipsters this year. That's right - bust out the NES, dust off your Buddy Holly glasses, and crack into some digital board games and join the rest of us in the late 20th century! Today we're going to weigh the pros and cons of two similar video board games: the legendary Pictionary and Rare's Anticipation.

Pictionary: The Legend of the Artistically Handicapped

While I like to think that I'm not the dimmest bulb in the box, (doesn't everybody?) I realize that as a kid I was extremely naive. My parents and their friends would get together and have parties very similar to the ones I mentioned previously. Cheese trays, bean dip, board games, bad hair, and Cosby sweaters. It's hard to believe that crap carried over into the early 90s - but more on that later. We would all sit around and crack into games like Jenga or Trivial Pursuit, but as soon as Pictionary came out it was time for the kids to leave the room and let the grown-ups play. I always associated something sinister or bawdy with the game. Are they sitting around drawing up diagrams from the Kama Sutra? Is my mother such a bad artist that her trees look like something a bit more Fraudian? Later on in life I played the game and realized what it is that my folks were keeping us from. Themselves. That's right, cracking out Pictionary was the international symbol for "go play with your toys, we're sick of having you underfoot." Not surprisingly, it worked.

The Cinemax of board games

Little did they know that the rental section of the grocery store around the corner got a copy of LJN's 1990 port of that raunchy, adult board game known as Pictionary. That's right, I was about to play the Devil's game and find out what it's like to be a man. I braced myself, held my breath, and put the cart into my NES.

and...

Blinking red light.

"Damnit!" I exclaimed, pounding my ten year old fist on my night stand. I took the game out, blew a healthy amount of spittle into the bottom of the cart and finally got to access the game so scandalous it was bound to earn me a spot next to Lucifer in the fiery pits of the underworld.

The first thing you'll notice when popping in Pictionary is the rockin' soundtrack. It's funny, I had just gotten finished playing Cobra Triangle right before I plugged Pictionary in to replay for this review and realized that the opening themes are actually similarly thrashy. Sure, it ain't Slayer - but it's pretty rocking for an 8-bit instrumental theme song, especially one from notorious song recyclers LJN. Speaking of which, at one point in the game they actually have a midified sound-a-like of Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust." That's really friggin' awesome. The graphics are another matter altogether. While the game pieces, mini games and game board are colorful, well drawn, and decently animated - the images you are supposed to guess are crude at best, downright mystifying at worst. But more on that later...

It's a cafeteria lady's food cart?!

I'm surprised to be saying this about an LJN project (seeing as so many have a reputation for being lousy,) but the gameplay in Pictionary is actually pretty innovative in a way. That's not to say it doesn't have some glaring flaws - but I'll get to that in a minute. You start out with three different options - the A Game where you have a series of minigames to complete, the B Game where your teams guess what one team is trying to draw in a limited amount of time, and finally, a drawing practice option. The most fun with a group (and after all, why I'm recommending it for holiday parties,) lies in the "Alternative game." This is the one where you assign someone the task of drawing a picture and have members from each team try to guess what it is. Why this is considered the "alternative game" when that's the plot of the board game is a complete and total mystery to me, but irrelevant. Make sure to have everyone try their hands at drawing practice for a few minutes first because trying to operate the drawing mechanism in Pictionary is akin to working an etch-a-sketch one handed. It's not something you would consider satisfying to draw with but it certainly will give your guests a bunch of laughs as everyone tries to figure out how the heck that squiggly mess is supposed to be a rabbit.

The A Game is the most innovative section of Pictionary on the NES and also the most challenging/frustrating. Your team moves around a multicolored set of blocks towards the end goal where you complete minigames that are supposed to unlock elements of the picture that you are then required to guess at. The minigames are actually really entertaining and often borrow from other popular games such as Space Invaders, the Game & Watch series, and more. My favorite mini game is a take on the Game & Watch game Fire. You control your firemen with a net and try to catch the fat men falling out of burning windows. Fun! All in all the minigames are an interesting addition to what would otherwise be too straightforward of a game. The problem in this mode lies when you have to actually guess what the image is that you have valiantly attempted to uncover. Typically you wont uncover the entire image as either the time will run out on you or you'll get hit too many times, lose too many jumping dudes, get shot by the purple doo-dads too much or some other obstacle will hinder your progress. Even if you do happen to uncover the entire image, good luck guessing what the hell that cryptic batch of white lines is actually supposed to be. Some are easier than others but as far as I can guess there's no real rhyme or reason to how difficult or not the image will be and what significance the color of the square is that you're standing on. I don't think it's broken up into categories so much as meant to make the stage look like a colorful rainbow of red, purple, brown and yellow blocks.

Weeeee!!!

The A game is brutally difficult. While the minigames are competently programmed and control relatively well, they are simply too hard to help you unlock enough of the picture to matter. You'll curse those little green goobers for knocking off the top two boxes because they were your only shot at guessing that those white lines were supposed to be a belt. If the programmers had only given you more of the image each time you uncovered it rather than simply one or two blocks at a time, the game would at least be fair. If you do happen to uncover most of the image, it tries to help you by having arrows pointing to whatever the object in question is supposed to be. However, sometimes they will put other things in the picture that clutter your brain and make guessing at the significance of what is being shown that much more cryptic. I magically guessed EGG based on a poorly drawn circle only because it's three letters and I couldn't imagine it would possibly be anything else. Beyond that, most of the puzzles are incomprehensible. However, if you think that's a knock against this game, you're actually mistaken. It's this very absurdity that makes playing with others so darn fun. You will take turns with your friends hurling vile filth at the screen in the vain attempt to somehow make that mess of lines a comprehensible image! Oh, and by the way - selecting letters is an exercise in futility. You have a pair of running shoes that move waaaaaaaaay too fast to be accurate. Tap your controller and be very patient or strap on your powerglove and turn it into a drinking game. It's up to you!

I hate these boxes!!!!111!!!

Pictionary for the NES is a game that I would file under the so-bad-it's good category. You will definitely have a good time playing this game with your friends; whether or not it's at the expense of the game rather than because of the game is left up to you. It's absurdly cheap right now and definitely worth every penny just to catch your friends saying things at your TV that you wouldn't say to your worst enemy. There's also versions of Pictionary for the DS and Wii, and while I'm sure they're much better games than this one, I doubt they have the same pound-for-pound frustration-induced laughter and entertainment as this version.

8-bit Board Games Pt.2: Anticipation (NES)

Wow, this game actually does look like it's gonna be racy!

Gamers well-versed in the history of video gaming probably know about the rise and fall of Atari and the video game crash of the early 80's. The Cliff's notes version is such: Atari ran into problems near the end of their reign due to poor decision making and a glutted market of substandard games that alienated audiences. "Alienated" is of course an appropriate term as one of the most iconic symbols of Atari's fall from grace was 1982's E.T. It was a huge blunder in a sea of missteps including a craptastic port of Pac Man, the underwhelming response to the Atari 5200 and a market that had quite a few competing consoles such as the Intellivison, ColecoVision, and many more. I can't quite remember the source to cite this information so don't sue me - but I read somewhere that the reasoning for the Famicom being called the Nintendo Entertainment System rather than the name Nintendo was kicking around when they were going to be branded by Atari, the "Nintendo Advanced Video Game System" is that it doesn't automatically evoke the image of "video games" in the mind. Keep in mind, the country was just coming out of the big video game crash and it's easy to imagine Nintendo didn't want their new system to be thought of as simply a video game system and a part of the passing fad that just destroyed Atari's dominance.

I know, I know - what does this have to do with Rare's video board game? Well, when the NES was released it had a few features that set it apart from other video game systems. For starters, early systems came with R.O.B the robot - a mostly failed add-on that was supposed to be an interactive game buddy with spinning gyros and moving gadgets. It's also the system that would later have carts such as Taboo: The Sixth Sense which is essentially a digital tarot card reader and Miracle Piano, which was a piano & game cart combo that would teach you how to play piano. It appears that this is where the idea to have board games, card games, and non-game carts originated. To separate the NES from the other gaming units and appeal to audiences other than just children. This thing wasn't just a toy, it was a piano teacher, a tarot reader, an exercise/running simulation, and now a board game for up to four players! This board game was Rare's 1988 game, Antici...

pation.

On the surface, Anticipation looks near identical to Pictionary - and there definitely are similarities. However, Anticipation has a few of its own unique gameplay features, many of which are superior to the Pictionary NES game which would be released a few years later. First, let's discuss the gameplay. Anticipation takes place on a multicolored board where your team's game piece will land on squares and have to answer picture based questions in an allotted time frame. I know, it sounds just like Pictionary - just bare with me. Instead of having fun but frustrating minigames that unlock your image, you simply wait until a magic pencil draws out a connect-the-dots version of your image. You can chime in when you think you know the answer, and believe me - you will at least have a chance to know the answer unlike in Pictionary. The longer you take to answer the question, the less spaces you will move at the completion of the question. This is different than the randomized dice roll in Pictionary and can be used to your advantage if you need to land on a space of a specific color. Yes, unlike in Pictionary where I can't honestly tell you that the colored blocks mean anything; the game is separated into specific color-coded categories which change as you progress to the next level. You must complete one of each categories to continue and if you have it set to easy, you shouldn't have any real problems.

Everyone fights to be the pumps

One of the only main frustrations with Anticipation aside from its relatively lackluster and simple gameplay is that if you're new to the game you might be puzzled at how to play at first. It's very easy to accidentally hit a button before the drawing begins because the pencil seems to take a 3-Mississippi before it begins. Your first instinct is that you have to hit a button to start the pencil to move and instead are forced to guess what the image is based only on how the dots are arranged on the screen! Also, if you don't pay attention to the dice on the side, you might wind up going around the stage in circles before you more or less accidentally land on the correctly colored square to continue. That's assuming you're playing by yourself and not competing against someone who can chime in and steal your thunder from under you. If anyone else is playing of course, you'll have to just take what you can get as far as the number on the dice is concerned. Then again, who would really want to play this game by themselves without even a computer player anyway?

The graphics are about as simplistic as in Pictionary; pretty enough to get the job done but nothing you would really write home about. Without the minigames that Pictionary has you're going to be missing a bit of the artistic flair that Pictionary has, but you won't be scrambling to figure out what pictures are near as much. The music is catchy, but also not near as rock & rollin' as in Pictionary. It's cutesy and whimsical and gets the job done. That's really all you need for a video board game anyway. You don't need Joe Satriani shredding the midi-guitar straight from the fires of Mt. Brutal to enjoy a simple board game. Candy Land would be better with some Judas Priest playing in the background, but I don't know that it's necessary to enjoy the game.

Derrr...I dunno what it is!

Thankfully, Anticipation has a variable difficulty. It's one of those games where Easy is too easy and Hard is pretty friggin' tough. So setting the game to medium difficulty and having at least one buddy and a computer player is really the ideal way to play this game. The pictures, while still really crude are actually comprehensible unlike the Picasso-flavored abstract art found in Pictionary. The controls are tighter so choosing the correct letter isn't an exercise in frustration either. Something that does add to the difficulty in this game aside from the aforementioned accidental button-press is the fact that the game will get you on semantics occasionally. It's not a "soda can" but a "soda pop." Spelling will get you in any of these games and can't be factored into the difficulty but when a game such as this calls for a specific word that you're blanking on it can get really frustrating. I saw a clothes hanger but didn't have enough empty spaces to make the words "Clothes hanger" and "Hanger" wasn't enough. What they were looking for is anybody's guess.

Sorry to tell you this, but that's a bomb - not a ring.

So how does Anticipation stack up against Pictionary? The gameplay is smoother although not nearly as innovative. The graphics and sound are slightly less impressive but no less impressive than they ought to be for a game like this. The pictures actually look vaguely like they item they represent, although at times it's hard to get the exact name they're looking for. The "board game" aspect is much better fleshed out with the ascending levels and the fact that the game questions are broken up into categories. It won't have near as many side-splittingly hilarious moments as Pictionary will, but if you're throwing a more casual party that doesn't involve whiskey and fist-fights, this game would be perfect. These two games are Yin and Yang. Kenny G versus Cannibal Corpse. Whichever game you pick, you're going to have an entertaining and often hilarious holiday party! Since they're both so cheap and available right now through Lukie Games, why not pick up both? Are you going to play these when you're alone and bored in your room? Hell no. That's what Battletoads is for. But if you have a few friends over and want to remember a bygone era of primitive video gaming and the slightly misguided combination of board games and video games then give these games a shot!

More white people in tacky clothes than yo momma's Xmas parties!

P.S. Seriously look at that cover art. That thing SCREAMS 80s. I have a hunch the people on the cover are just the game development team in their "casual wear."

Die Hard Trilogy (Playstation, Sega Saturn, PC)

ARRRGH! EXPLOSIONS!!!!111!!!

It's December and the holidays are approaching quicker than you can say "Deck the Halls." One of the most popular ways for people to get into the holiday spirit around this time of year is by watching holiday-themed movies. You've got "It's a Wonderful Life," "Miracle on 34th Street," "8 Crazy Nights," "Friday After Next," All of those wonderful claymation movies, and my wife's personal favorite - a Christmas Story. Yes, Ralphie - you will shoot your eye out. Over and over and over again. 24 Hours of A Christmas Story is enough to make me wanna shoot my own eyes out. Here's the premise - take a movie I once loved and play it into the ground. But I digress. In order to combat the holiday blues, my favorite holiday movie is Die Hard. The trouble is - I always seem to only catch the tail end of the movie every single time it's playing on tv. However, I recently purchased Fox Interactive's 1996 hit game "Die Hard Trilogy" for the Playstation and can have the complete interactive experience of actually kicking butt and taking names in John McClane's shoes! Well, sort of.

For starters, this is a game that did extremely well with critics and fans when it was released way back in 1996. So well in fact, that they re-released it as one of those "Greatest Hits" series games with the ugly green spine labels on them. When IGN reviewed it back in 1996 they stated, "This is one of the best games you can buy for the Playstation, and the fact that there's actually three games makes it all the better." (http://psx.ign.com/articles/150/150447p1.html). Reviewers praised the high-action gameplay, the replay value, the buckets of blood, and the fact that you get three wildly different games packed into one disc. While it's very hard to argue with any of these points, I'm pretty sure in the next few paragraphs we can chip away at the otherwise shiny veneer that this game had almost 12 years ago.

Boom!

I believe the old adage goes something like this; "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions." That's exactly how I would describe "Die Hard Trilogy." The previous reviewers were absolutely correct in praising Fox Interactive and Probe for having a game that contains essentially 3 games in 1. Also, as the IGN reviewers pointed out - it doesn't necessarily feel like a budget title either. This game feels like a full fledged, arcade style action extravaganza in the comfort of your own home. All of these things might have been impressive in 1996, but looking back there's definitely room for improvement here. I mean - do you guys and gals remember what the "arcade style experience" was like in '96? All of those clunky, ugly polygons in Silent Scope or the first entries in Virtua Fighter and Tekken? Those games haven't aged well either. So is having 3 of these high-flying, bullet-slinging, gut-exploding action games really a great deal?

Let's not beat around the bush; the original Playstation's graphics were pretty horrific. Any of the titles that were cartoony and/or two-dimensional were usually pretty good, and later titles such as Tenchu and Metal Gear Solid were able to get 3d graphics down to a smooth science. However, games such as those aforementioned 3d arcade-style titles would tend to be a gross polygonal clusterfudge. Die Hard Trilogy falls into this category. Playing the first Die Hard title on a 40-inch widescreen HD tv is like sticking your head underwater and trying to play a Virtual Boy at the same time. It's a disorienting mess of pixels where you're constantly being shot at from all directions and somehow have to manage to A.) not get killed by these generic looking baddies, B.) not blow yourself up by shooting these explosive cars, C.) rescue a handful of hostages, and finally 4.) get out of the building before the bomb goes off. This proved to be an exercise in futility for me because trying to find the exit in this generic mess of pixels would actually be easier if I was playing blindfolded, spun around 3 times and given a stick to whack at my TV until candy falls out or John McClane decides to stop spitting out the same three generic one-liners. The graphics are such a slurry, sludgey mess that they give me motion sickness and everyone on screen from "clearly not Bruce Willis" to "clearly the same palette swapped badguys" and finally to the sad hostages - will all say a maximum of two to three lines of constantly repeating dialogue. Ever played Blood II: The Chosen? It's just about that annoying.

Die Hard 1: Attack of The Crooked Pixel

The second game is a rail shooter akin to Area 51. I have a few less gripes about the graphics as they are less nausea-inducing - However, the bad guys and hostages have nothing to distinguish themselves from each other and you'll get tired of shooting the same guys in black trenchcoats and trying to avoid shooting the same ladies in tacky white sweaters. Hmm, "Ladies in Tacky White Sweaters" sounds like a good indie band. The first time I played it - I got snuffed out pretty quickly. Controlling this without a lightgun is kinda tough and anyone playing on an HD TV is S.O.L if they want to play with anything but a controller. However, I improved my game immensely the second go-round when I decided to play like an evil Russian bad guy instead of John McClane and instead shot every single pixel that wasn't nailed down. That's right - cops, badguys, men, women and children all got sprayed with "not Bruce Willis'" bullets of justice. It was Christmas eve and I was sending a lot of souls to the holy ghost that night. You know what? The game is a lot more fun when you indiscriminately shoot everything from the ceiling tiles to the Christmas trees and everything in between. I still died but it didn't seem to penalize me for going all Waco on everybody. The only warning the game seems to give you is a big "Whoops" sign over innocent victims. Yup. Whoops.

"Sorry dawg, my bad!"

The third and final game is Die Hard With a Vengence - aka poor man's Crazy Taxi. You drive around hitting what appear to be guys hiding behind trashcans with your car as a voice actor who sounds more like Chris Tucker than Samuel L. Jackson chastises you for not driving fast or well enough. Once again, you can let out your Carmageddon-like fantasies and mow down every pedestrian in sight with a satisfying blood spray if that's your bag. Supposedly I'm driving a taxi in this game - but with the clunky mechanics and the inability to slow down well enough to take turns carefully and accurately, it feels more like I'm driving Satan's one-wheeled rickshaw strapped to a rocket. Is this game fun? Well - only if you like running into walls, pedestrians, and watching the city blow up every 3 minutes because the "bomb car" is pretty hard to follow with these horrific driving mechanics. The way the driving goes in this game, you'd think John McClane has a rabid badger running around in his underroos. The game is fun to kill time and innocent bystanders - but not much else.

Your insurance wont cover this

So how does Die Hard Trilogy stand up this many years later? It's a good time-killer and definitely good for a few unintentional laughs (actually, I take that back. I KNOW the programmers wanted me to mow down innocent people in this game.) I would have a hard time recommending this for anyone after one of the finest examples of Playstation gaming - but for the price, you get 3 radically different games that can be enjoyed with a wicked sense of humor and an evil laugh or two.

Christmas Nights (Saturn)

...in 1996, Sega released a 2 level demo called Christmas Nights. Christmas Nights was available exclusively as a Blockbuster game rental or through magazines and game bundles. While it would have been nice to have a full-fledged, 6 level, stand-alone Christmas version of Nights (because, let's face it - there are far too few holiday games,) it's great to have a few levels to play with and get into the holiday mood!

Christmas Nights starts off with its own unique cutscene that sets up the plot (presumably after the events of the original Nights) where Claris and Elliot are Christmas shopping, waltzing through the hustle and bustle when they notice that something is terribly wrong. Alas, the star is missing from the top of the Christmas tree in their town square. This time, we are treated to voice-over work that at least describes these events so we have some idea of what's going on. At the end of the opening cutscene, however, we're given the same wacky, convoluted, shoddy, non storytelling that leaves us only to assume that the two are off to Nightopia again to rescue the missing star. Who asked them to do this? Why couldn't they just buy another at Walmart? Is anyone in town concerned about the star in the first place? Sure, there's the cop-out outro with the whole "it's all a dream" bit , but these questions don't get satisfactorily answered and I guess they're better left unasked.

They're like 5 bucks. Aisle 6 - next to the Tinsel.

How do the graphics and sound rate? The graphics are more or less identical - However, we're treated to holiday themed levels and enemy sprites! Depending on when your Sega Saturn's clock is set for dictates the kind of decorations and sprite designs you'll see scattered throughout the two levels. I rented this game just after Christmas and returned it the day after New Year's Eve, so I got to see the Christmas elements of the game in full force. During Christmas time the enemies have festive Santa gear on and the music is changed to an awesome Muzaky version of Jingle Bells. There's Christmas bells, wreaths instead of rings and even the serpent enemy is changed into a delightfully candy-caney festive badguy! Essentially the first level of Christmas Nights is just Spring Valley turned Christmas-y but I won't deny that it gets me into a jolly mood. The music is festive, the graphics are great as always and this game is likely to make even the Grinchiest Grinch's heart grow 2-sizes when they play it.

So...much...Christmas!

There are some other neat features about Christmas Nights aside from just some "Jingle Bells" and badguys in festive clothing. As mentioned before, the internal clock of your Saturn dictates some of what goes on in Christmas Nights. While December is reserved for "Christmas Nights" mode, the chilly months before and after are part of the Winter Nights section where there's simply snow and a few other festive touches. Having had the rental version over the New Years Eve holiday I noticed some changes to the game that took advantage of that as well. Also, you can play as Nights' nemesis Reala on April Fool's Day! The game also has some unlockable features like concept art and the ability to play as Sonic the Hedgehog! See, I told you I'd get back to that.

I only have a few minor gripes about Christmas Nights. For starters, it really would have been nice to have a full fledged retail Christmas Nights game - but I imagine it was rushed out seeing as it was released the same year that Nights: Into Dreams was. At least a few more levels would have helped this game have more replay value. Also, it's nice that there is narration in the cutscenes (and I really like the Christmas picture-book art style they chose for them) but they should have really done a few more takes of the voice-over work before shipping it out. I'm sorry, but the narrator sounds like she's nodding off after kicking a six year smack habit. Perhaps they tracked it the night after Thanksgiving to ship out in a few days and she's in a turkey coma. Whatever the case may be, a few more takes in the studio could have made for a better intro/outro.

Christmas Nights was a really fun demo that helped to get me in the holiday mood. While it's a whole lot of fun, I would highly recommend picking up the original Nights: Into Dreams first - as there's much more replay value to be had. Plus, you can find Nights right now at Lukie games - good luck trying to find a decent copy of Christmas Nights, however.